I'm having a little trouble kicking this darned thing this morning. It's hard to concentrate, even on writing this post--(but maybe writing will be just calming enough?).
It took me a while to realize what it was, then it took me a while to realize I'm feeling keyed up over nothing. How's that for concentration? Ha. I've been on 15mg Lexapro for two weeks, and it's helped with the depression. But not so much for the anxiety. And I don't go in to see the doc for another four weeks.
I've tried noshing. I've tried thinking of my favorite hymns, playing them in my mind. I've tried tensing and releasing various muscles. I've tried talking myself out of the anxiety, but it's feelings more than thoughts. I just feel tense and on edge, and chicken and the egg, I don't know if I'm being triggered by PTSD things, or if being tense is causing me to feel more sensitive to PTSD potential triggers.
I feel like napping. I feel like running all this excess bundled up tension out of my body, releasing it like sweat.
And I don't know if it's the Lexapro or anxiety at this point, but the two are playing off of each other to give me disturbing dreams. This time, my diplopic and asthmatic husband was the focus of the dream. He decided to join up with the Army-slash-Civilian Conservation Corps, and my first thought was that "he's gonna die." He went ahead with the interview, and his mother and I were hoping that the medical exam would disqualify him, but they decided to let it slide because they really needed people. And then he set out and started cleaning up fallen branches in a park after some guy committed suicide by falling off of a tall tree on a steep hill, and his bloodied broken body was still lying there.
I had gone to bed all anxious, and then this dream certainly didn't help. And now I'm still anxious this morning. For no effing reason. The only thing Lexapro seems to be doing is unmasking more of the anxiety that had been shrouded in depression, throwing it into a bare relief.
And as part of generalized anxiety, I tend to focus on various things and become more anxious about it. So, while I'm anxious about my GAD, I keep craving wine because I discovered a couple weeks ago that 2-3 glasses of wine is the only thing that truly works. And so I'm anxious about becoming an alcoholic. I refuse to. So I've been avoiding the wine. So yeah, I'm anxious about anxiety in a couple of different ways. How fucked up am I?
I wish I knew whether I should stick with this for the next four weeks, or try to get ahold of my psychiatrist to see if he can help me meanwhile, because nothing else seems to be working.
Filed under: misc.