Everyone's talking about the Game Of Thrones finale.
I don't get Game Of Thrones.
I guess I don't get GOT.
I don't know what these characters are up to, or why they wear what they do.
I don't know what the fuss is about, or why it's so popular.
Makes me feel a little squirmy, like maybe I'm missing a major "thing".
But when I see its images flash by on Facebook, all I can think about are madrigal fairs...and jousting...and people hocking "root beer" when it's really some beverage made with fizz and sassafras root that doesn't even taste like the real thing.
I don't know if I want to invest my time in a show that I'm already questioning, and yet I don't want to feel left out of what everyone's all jazzed about.
These are the kinds of conflicting feelings I want to be focused on, rather than the ones I feel as my country drowns in inertia, through series-after-series of epic shitstorms.
I don't want to think the world might blow up tomorrow because two egotistical maniacs are playing chicken with nukes.
I don't want to jump when I read tweets or breaking news updates, sending my heart ascramble. I want to focus on making up words like ascramble, then add them to rambling blog posts that don't have beginnings or ends.
I don't want to feel a sense of dread -- on a daily basis -- that I'm not doing enough to let the world know my president does not represent me or my values, or my beliefs, or my ideals, or my dreams, or my experience, or my outlook.
I'd rather walk into my grocery store and see people smiling. But they're not.
I'd rather look into my children's eyes and let them know everything's going to work out. But I can't.
I'd rather visit my Facebook page and read the newspaper and talk to friends, finding and sharing inspiration and hope. Instead, I feel and share and commiserate with the endless stream of disillusionment and anger and embarrassment over what we've allowed ourselves as a country to become: divided and broken. And I want to do so much more to change things.
I get it. Game of Thrones is a television series. From all accounts, it's a well-written, spectacular escape from real life. I really should just sit down and see what all the fuss is about. Clearly, an escape would do me some good.
But right now, I really don't have it in me to escape, or to sheetcake, or even debate whether that sheetcaking skit was racist. I just don't have the strength right now to dwell in any more negativity. I want to feel like we're in this together. That we will weather these storms together.
But right now, I'm suffering from a paralysis of purpose, and I'm just not sure what to do next.
I've called my local representatives.
I've tried to listen to every side.
I've held compassion in my heart -- even for those whose actions turn my stomach -- searching for understanding.
I've tried so hard to be patient.
"Give him a chance," they all said. "You just can't come out of the gate, post-election, judging this man when he hasn't even shown us who he is."
For eight nightmarish months, I've seen, time and again, who he is.
It's as bad as I'd imagined.
It's time I find my way beyond this feeling of helplessness and dive in to the murky waters and do something...even if the path is not clear.
It's time to change the way I speak and write, from "I don't" and "I can't" and "I want" and "I'd rather" to "I can" and "I will" and "I have" and "I am".
It's also time to impeach this president, because he clearly doesn't have our nation's interests -- or its fundamental values -- at the forefront.
Donald J. Trump is his own forefront.
And to that I say, "Mr. President, go back to tweeting while you watch TV, you heartless, narcissistic, impulsive, racist, fascist. If you're a fan of Game of Thrones, and if I ever become one someday, well...at least we'll have one thing in common."
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