Basics: White, speaks English (The number one language, comprendo?), never smokes, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, and avoids taxes (More money for you, Honey. Am I right?).
Education: Attended New York Military Academy, Fordham and Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.
Religion: Presbyterian, but not important (and I'm not "crazy religious", like the Muslims.)
Family: Doesn’t want kids (Already got 5…anyone want one of the ugly ones?)
Zodiac Sign: Gemini (The best Zodiac sign, cause there’s two.)
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator: ESTP ("The Entrepreneur"…I mean, come on! Myers-Briggs named this personality type after me. I'm serious. You shoulda seen the ceremony. Unbelievable. I have video.)
Last Online: Online NOW!!
My Self Summary
•Incredibly, Incredibly Sexy (Just check out my age up there, under my name!) #amactually70
•Good looking (I mean, I’m so good looking, you won’t even know what hit ya. Just you wait. You’ll see.)
•Open Relationship (The wife’s good with this since she doesn’t know…you know? I’m tellin’ you, this is gonna be the best. We got this.)
What I’m doing with my life…
Chillin’ like a villain until I’m the leader of the free world. No great shakes. Do whatcha gotta do.
I’m really good at…
Relating to others and talking to people at their stupid little levels. I think it’s important and it builds trust and lets ‘em know there’s someone great in America reaching down and feeling their pathetic, disgusting pain. I just thank God I don’t have to LIVE their lives! I don’t know how these people do it. I seriously don’t. It’s sad. It’s just so, so very sad.
The first things people usually notice about me…
Besides my hot wife? Probably all my money.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music & food…
I don't read books. I don't read, period. Hell..make a note to come back to this question to do the movies, shows, music, etc. And, I wanna plug The Apprentice...or You're FIRED! [laughter].
I spend a lot of time thinking about…
…why I ever said that damn line about how we should “Make America Great Again,” when, looking back, it really wasn’t as good as I thought. #Ohwell. As someone incredibly famous and historalogical once said, “Yes! We can... have hope... moving forward.” Actually, I think I’m the one who originally said that. Yeah, and it was truly, truly amazing. The people, my God, they all loved it. They loved me. So, so very much. It's a beautiful, spectacular thing. Truly over the top. #soblessed #badabababaimlovinit
On a typical Friday night I am…
…cyberbullying and gaslighting. Just kidding. Quit being so sensitive. There’s nothing typical about me or my incredible life. Sorry. The stuff of dreams is hard to describe. I'll just keep you in suspense.
The most private things I’m willing to admit…
1) I can’t read.
2) I only string 140 characters together on Twitter because of this crazy dare with Vladimir, and so far I’m winning. He’s a great guy but honestly, the guy can be a chump. And he’s not as competitive as everyone thinks. Those shirtless pics of him, from awhile back? Lemme just say, between us, don't get me wrong, he’s a fabulous guy, really incredible, and his people are incredible, but believe me, he’s a wimp when it comes to Tweeting and he needs a serious workout (not as bad as #loser @Rosie O'Donnell did in '06, but...). I’m gonna send my people over there to help him out. I feel sorry for the guy. He could do so much better. It's really too bad. Such a shame. #toughlove #mentoringworldleaders #suckitinvladimir
3) One of my wonderful, amazing gardeners, Juan Esteban Alonso-Guevara*, agreed to type this OKCupid profile for me as I dictate, because I’m a very busy, very important executive. Make sure you capitalize the word executive. That's important.
4) I used “heel spurs” as an excuse to get out of Vietnam. Brilliant!
You should message me if…
1) ...you need tickets to see the Rockettes. They're just incredible. Great gams. They all adore me, except those short, ugly, fat, old ones. Total, out-of-control slobs. So sad. #chunkynarcissists
2) ...you want a pardon or the codes.
3) ...you feel like checking out the “ovals” in my new office. #winkadink #gadonkadonk #lookinatyouhillary
Women who can’t get pregnant
You know, I gotta be really honest. As long as you're as hot as my daughter (or close) and not ugly or bag-over-your-head-nasty, it works. I don’t discriminate. Just no Muslims.
Casual sex, New Friends, Literacy Coaching
*FYI, this is Juan. I am indeed a Badass Hombre, Asshole. And we will never, ever pay for your motherfucking wall. #trimyourowndamnhedges