On Aging...

Oh for God's sake.

Today's one of those days that starts out terrific and, like a boat hitting an unseen sandbar, stops dead in the water.

It's a half-day of school for the kids. They're so happy playing (oops, my apologies...hanging) with their friends that I've got a chunk of time to get things done. I've been craving uninterrupted time like this. The potential for productivity was so freakishly high when I stepped outside to grab the mail...

...and then I saw it:

GOLD VIOLIN's Helpful Products for Independent Living.

Hmmm, I thought. This catalog must be for my lovely, 60-ish next-door neighbor. Wait...who's it addressed to? What?? Christine Wolf????

The cover says Make this summer your best yet! I just celebrated my 44th birthday. I'm not that old yet, am I?

Okay, so let's see what they think I'll use in this catalog...

Look! There's a Palm Beach Kaftan in "new colors"!

Go-Anywhere Mobility Bags that come in a variety of colors, including "Metropolitan", "Butterflies" and "Aloha Pink".

The Gold Violin Waterproof Shirt Saver in regular AND plus sizes. It takes the worry out of mealtime...And if that one's too much of a commitment, the Disposable Napkleen is still waterproof, super absorbent AND equipped with a crumb catcher!

One of the most brilliant products in the catalog? The Essential Hands-Free Carry-All. Worn like a beige (or black) sash, its pockets organize your cell phone, camera, money, credit cards and ID, sunglasses, keys and even a bottle of water. Aside from the fact I'd resemble a crossing guard on safari with bulging lumps of electronic devices strapped to my body like a suicide bomber, I think this product has the most potential.

The R.E.M. Spring Facial Hair Remover looks interesting; by just rolling the spring over the little hairs on cheeks, chin, upper lip and neck (!!) it removes hair from the root without leaving any redness or rashes. Who knew?

The ClarityLife +20dB Amplified Cell Phone sounds insane. As if I'd need more noise and chaos in my life right now?

6 pages of magnifiers, magnifying glasses, magnified watches, etc., left me feeling a little woozy, and the Memory Trainer Electronic Game reminds me of the days I used to play SIMON for hours with my friends.

The series of books called My Parents' First Computer And Internet Guides looked intriguing...though I don't think my kids really need to "help your parents connect with the outside world via their new computer."

Ah. And then there's the Waterproof Vinyl Pull-On Pants and the Super Kegel Exerciser, the Waterproof Seat Protector and the Ladies Knit or Lace Confidence Undergarments. Come on, people. I'm 44.

Kudos to the manufacturers of the Retro Vitamin Pod (rather than the typical long pill holder); their design might help usher me into my old age in style. Equally appealing is the Between-The-Seats Stuff Catchers which, as you might have guessed, cover the space between the car's front seat console.

Just what will they think of next?

 

 

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