Michelle Obama at the Oscars

Michelle Obama at the Oscars

I was pleasantly surprised when Michelle Obama popped up to present the Academy Award for Best Picture via satellite. I thought to myself: 1) finally something semi-exciting is happening and 2) what an efficient use of her time and my tax dollars. The job of the FLOTUS is to be an ambassador of good will and happy times. Since it’s estimated that over 1 billion people around the world watched the Oscars, it seemed to me the perfect venue for her to make an appearance. Plus, she seems pretty current on pop culture so I would imagine she was going to watch the show anyway. Why not up the ante with a cameo? And as a tax paying American, I appreciated that she didn’t use the Secret Service, Air Force 2 (or whatever plane she flies on), and countless other resources to show up and present in person. She did it via satellite. I thought, “Damn, that first lady is cool” and then I forgot all about it because at the end of my day, it’s not a big deal. She didn’t excuse herself from running the country or from a NATO convention to crown Argo the big winner. She was just being a good and strategic ambassador. #WellPlayed

Now the Huffington Post reports that some people (AKA conservatives) are harshly criticizing the FLOTUS’ video appearance at the Oscars.

"Bill O'Reilly harshly criticized Obama's appearance and described her participation as ‘Hollywood left boosterism’ that was aimed as ‘propaganda to make [the Obamas look] glamorous.’ He commented on how other first ladies did not participate in the awards in such a way. ‘Laura Bush would never at any time have introduced any award,’ he said.

MSNBC's Donny Deutsch appeared on Piers Morgan's show and told the CNN host that he thought Obama was an ‘uninvited guest.’ He said that he would have liked to see more Jack Nicholson and did not appreciate what he considered a political moment during a night honoring the best in entertainment.

The Huffington Post also reported that not only did Laura Bush participate in the 2002 Oscars, but also two presidents have participated. When Mrs. Obama cut her bangs it was a top news story and when she wears a piece of clothing, it immediately sells out from whatever department store, so I’m pretty sure she’s already glamorous. So Bill O’Reilly is wrong (surprise, surprise). Furthermore, I’m confident Mrs. Obama didn’t threaten to drop a nuke on Hollywood if they didn’t let her participate. I feel good about assuming that the Academy called her office and she was an invited guest so Donny Deutsch is more than likely wrong. (But, Jennifer Lawrence will probably agree with him that it would’ve been nice to see more Jack Nicholson.)

Nevertheless, their idiotic blabber reminds me of the old adage to not make a “mountain out of a molehill.” Bill and Donny clearly need to get a life. Speaking of getting a life, I then began to wonder what my life would be like if I were FLOTUS. A devilish grin crossed my lips and then my mind just ran away with the possibilities.

Seriously, if Bill and Donny want to chastise the First Lady for video conferencing into the Oscars, then they would have a field day with me. If I were First Lady of the United States…If the man I laid down with every night held the highest political office in this land…If he were on his second term and we didn’t have to worry about a re-election campaign…If he were already guaranteed a pension and royalties from three best-selling books…OMG…If I were FLOTUS, I would lose my natural born mind.

white house black

I would be so obnoxious, loud, combative, and uncouth. I would throw up in your face how my husband can nuke your ass into next week or my secret service peeps can make it seem like you never existed in the blink of an eye. I would so hang out with Beyonce and Jay-Z. I would even invite Kim and Kayne to the White House just to piss everyone off. I would paint the White House black. I would let my uncle Sanford park this raggedy pick up truck on the lawn. I would sell naming right to every branch of the government. (Excuse Mr. Speaker, this is now the PepsiCo House of Representatives. And if I have to remind you one more time to call it the Verizon Oval Office, Imma have my husband drop your ass in a North Korea prison camp.) Seriously, you couldn’t tell me nothing. My husband is in his second term and I don’t have to worry about approval ratings anymore. What! What!

sanford truck

I'd get into party promotion with Sean Puffy Combs. Since I’ve painted the White House black, we'd start a new tradition of an annual “Black and White party” sponsored by Ciroc and FLOTUS. I'd make everyone agree that I created the title FLOTUS since it’s so cool and I want to have that as my legacy kinda like Al Gore has the internet. I would bitch slap reporters and paparazzi who wrote mean things or took inappropriate/unflattering pictures of me and my family. I'd literally be out of control. I wouldn’t try to institute Universal Health Care like Hillary Clinton or encourage fat kids to move like Mrs. Obama. I would be too busy shaking down every hip designer for free clothes and shoes and getting invited to every hot party IN THE WORLD!


So if the worst thing idiots like Bill O’Reilly and Donny Deutsch can criticize about Mrs. Obama is that she made a cameo appearance at the Oscars, then I say (in my Jack Nicholson voice) “Wait til they get a load of me.”

But maybe that's just me. What would you do? Add a comment and let me know. And type your email address in the box, click the "create subscription" button, and sign-up for my blog alerts. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

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