Epic Fail Tales: Bad Valentine Gifts

Epic Fail Tales: Bad Valentine Gifts

Oh, Valentine’s Day is almost here. A time for monetizing our affections with expensive gifts and nights on the town. It’s a ripe opportunity to commercialize love and debate its gift-giving abilities. It just wouldn’t be Valentine’s if we (read I) didn’t say, “I love you” and then criticize the hell out of my gift/experience.

Yes, I’m a bit of a Valentine’s Day curmudgeon. I can honestly say I’ve never received a nice (read expensive) present or had a wonderfully romantic outing. Here are my top three Valentine Epic Fail Tales/Bad Gift Experiences.

He loved to golf. I got him a golf stand to hold his two bags, shoes, balls, towels, etc. He got me a garlic press because I said the 2 a.m. infomercial was cool. EPIC FAIL!

He loved music. I got him a couple of CDs by his favorite artist and put tickets to her upcoming show inside a touching card that I signed “Love, Deanna.” He got me a little white bear in a heart-covered shirt and card that read “Chocolate, Sex. Chocolate, Sex. Chocolate, Sex” on the outside. The inside read “You’re getting both tonight.” Signed, his initials. EPIC FAIL!

He loved football. I got him a Chicago Bears sweatshirt, T-shirt, and pajama pants. He got me earrings. My ears aren’t pierced. EPIC FAIL!

valentine fail chest hair

Maybe it's just me, my overactive imagination, and high expectations (read standards). I admit that sometimes I can be (as my family calls me) "particular". Maybe my experiences are the norm. Maybe it's just a sensitive girl thing. So I asked a couple of my guy friends about their worst V-day experiences:

He gave her flowers, candy, and a blue box jewelry. Since he had a pinched nerve in his back, she got him a bean body pillow and a single rose in a plastic case that he said she probably purchased from the man selling socks, wash cloths, and peanuts on the side of the expressway. EPIC FAIL!

He bought her a Coach purse and took her out to a nice dinner. She gave him a T-shirt with his fraternity’s emblem on the front. He loves his fraternity which is why he already had more than enough Greek paraphernalia. Not to mention, it wasn’t very romantic. He said it would have been better if she had on the shirt … and only the shirt. EPIC FAIL!

He gave her chocolates. She gave him chocolates. He told her don’t ever buy him chocolates again; he ain’t no woman. Next year, he vowed to give her a vacuum. EPIC FAIL!

In conclusion, I'm happy to report that it's not just me. (Yes, my misery loves company.)

Cupid's a-coming so get ready for high expectations, poor execution, and infinite disappointments. If you want a halfway decent shot of giving a good gift, keep it simple. Ladies, let your guy see you dressed in sexy (read slutty) lingerie. Guys, give her roses and a nice bracelet (not earrings). Good luck. You’re gonna need it.

valentine fail dead cupid


Deanna Burrell is the author of the explosive novel, Single Girl Summer. She likes pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, the feel of the ocean, and the taste of the champagne. (Now is that really too much to ask?)

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