Sometimes we need a reminder: “He’s Just Not That Into You”

Sometimes we need a reminder: “He’s Just Not That Into You”

I love riding the train because I get to eavesdrop on people’s conversations. Today, I listened to a girl, let’s call her Mary, tell her girlfriend about the latest guy she’s dating, let’s call him Alan. The highlights of Mary and Alan’s relationship are as follows:

1) Mary and Alan are on-again, off-again lovers. She really likes him and is hoping he’ll become her boyfriend.

2) She lives on the north side and he lives on the south side. She doesn’t have a car. She always takes the train to go see him; usually at night when he calls. He has a car, but never offers to pick her up or stay at her place. He does drop her off at home in the morning because his job is near where she lives.

3) A month ago he got upset with her because she didn’t call him back the same day. The next time they had sex, he banged the snot out of her and she couldn’t walk straight for four days. She doesn’t enjoy rough sex. He said he did it because he was staking his claim on her ve-jay.

4) The last time she was supposed to stay at his place, he told her to come at 9pm. She got there early at 8pm and called him from the lobby. He said he was still downtown doing whatever. He was mad that she arrived at his place early. She said she would just wait in the lobby. He hung up on her. She waited until 10pm and then took the train back home. He never showed up or answered any of her phone calls or text messages.

5) He just called her today (a week after point #4 occurred) acting like nothing happened. He didn’t bring it up and definitely did not apologize. He wants her to come over tonight. Mary really likes Alan. He’s such a nice guy; when he’s around.

Mary was asking her girlfriend what should she do. They got off the train before I could hear the girlfriend’s answer but I hope she said to her the two phrases that kept playing in my head…“He’s Just Not That Into You” and “Run!!!

Ladies, there is nothing wrong with a booty call or a sex-only romp, if that’s what you want. But you can’t turn a booty call into a romantic relationship…It doesn’t work. Only in Hollywood movies does this black magic occur. Not in real life.

Listen and read very closely. If a man doesn’t care about your safety and well-being (read Mary and Alan’s relationship points #2, 3, and 4), he physically harms you (point #3), he disappears on you (point #4), he only calls you when he wants to have sex (point #2 and 5), then he’s just not that into you. And if he’s great in bed and you like to bone him with no expectations or strings attached, get ready to rumble. But if you’ve caught feeling for him and it’s clear he doesn’t give a crap if some crack head stabs you trying to steal your purse while you walk back home because he’s stood you up, then you need to leave this guy alone. RUN! Don’t answer his phone calls. Don’t have anything to do with him. He is not boyfriend material. He is the devil and correspondence with him is the gateway to hell. He’ll make you miserable and pathetic.

We’ve all had one or more. I know I have. My experience has taught me that I don’t like to get involved with men who are just not that into me. That episode from the TV series “Sex and the City” and the book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo should be required viewing and reading for every woman. It’s a simple concept, but sometimes we just don’t get it. Or we don’t want to get it. Or we need to be reminded.

So here’s a quick recap of the table of contents from “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Think about the guy you are (or think you are) “dating” now. He’s Just Not That Into You If:

-He’s not asking you out

-He’s not calling you

-He’s not dating you

-He’s not having sex with you

-He’s having sex with someone else

-He only wants to see you when he’s drunk

-He doesn’t want to marry you

-He’s breaking up with you

-He’s disappeared on you

-He’s married (or other insane variations of being unavailable)

-He’s a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak

Ladies, you are too wonderful and special to settle for some jerk who treats you like crap. If you want a boyfriend, stop messing around with men who are just not that into you…NOW. And if you have one like that around…RUN!

Deanna is the author of Voted “Most Creative”, a collection of poems and essays that inspire creativity, growth, and self-expression and Single Girl Summer, the story of three women navigating the ups and downs of life during one special summer in Chicago. Find out more at



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    Hi there,
    Thanks a lot for this insightful article. Couldn't agree more, and I keep telling all my friends to read this book - we just need to learn how to spot the red flags..So many wonderful girls let crappy men treat them like crap!
    I wrote a post on how I view the American dating system, being a foreigner... Would love to get opinions on the matter!

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