Hi Kids! Today I’m going to talk about the questionable and oh-so scary experience of suffering your first Vertigo experience. These are just tips and pointers that I feel will make the most of this event. And no, I’m not just a writer reporting on this phenomenon, I’m an actual survivor! <standing with my palm out, waiting to accept an award>.
Step 1: When you're sitting on your ass doing nothing and the room suddenly starts to spin for no reason, you need to ask yourself a few questions ~
- Um, what the hell is going on?
- Am I drunk?
- If not currently drunk, how much did I have last night?!
- Are my sugars crashing?
- After just one cup of coffee, is the caffeine getting to me?!
- Am I just dehydrated?
- Are my panic attacks coming back to haunt me after all these years?!
Step 2: Try lying down, maybe that will help. If the room continues to spin, sit up again and ask yourself again what the hell is going on?
Step 3: Stand up and walk to the kitchen to splash some cold water on your face and fill a glass with ice water. You’re just dehydrated, honey. You need water.
Step 4: As you’re standing at the freezer for ice, be sure you have a strong grip on the freezer handle and strong legs to catch you as you’re about to faint into blackness.
Step 5: After going through the sit down/lay down/stand up/get dizzy/ pass out method a couple more times, CALL FOR HELP!
Step 6: Swallow your humility by allowing a family member drive you to the emergency room, looking like death. Then have further patience when the lady at the front desk calmly asks you why you are there. Really?! I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! THAT’S WHY I’M HERE!
Step 7: If you’re about to pass out – again – warn those around you. They will appreciate the heads-up and explain the constipated look on your face.
Step 8: Once in the exam room and injected with liquid valium just as your hot ER doctor walks in, remember the fact that you are married and no, he’s not there to perform a breast exam. Unfortunately. And when he sends you to the x-ray room for a CAT scan, don’t have a full-blown freak-out on your tech. He only gets paid so much an hour and doesn’t want to deal with your shit.
Step 9: After waiting multiple hours for results, expecting the worst, be thankful when Dr. McDreamy tells you that your CAT scan and blood work came back negative. His best guess is Vertigo, caused from a sinus infection, allergies, fluid in the eardrum, blah blah blah <I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying, more on his dimple and salt-n’-pepper hair>. Here’s some dizzy girl drugs, call your primary tomorrow. Boom. Done. And then he was gone. As if the past 4 hours we spent together meant nothing..
Step 10: 5 days later, when you’re standing in front of your primary and she looks up your nose and exclaims HOLY INFLAMED SINUSES HONEY do you finally begin to understand what the hell is going on. Allergies. Stupid allergies. Inflamed to the ceiling and pushing on m’damn brain. Hence causing Vertigo. Hence two hours later, crawling through my local Walgreens, picking up allergy meds and crying like a baby because I’m thankful I’m NOT dying…yet still slightly upset that Dr. McDreamy refused my request for a full breast exam.
Guess I can’t win them all. Oh well. Anyhoo…so if you choose to experience the fabulous experience of Vertigo, I suggest DON’T. But if you do…again, DON’T. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
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