1. Facebook – Sure, we all have things we think we want the whole goddamn world-wide-web to know while drunk, like our opinions about the government, how many margaritas we’ve had, people’s marital status’ and how many times little Jimmy pooped that day…but really? If there is nothing more interesting going on in your life right now, I suggest you shut the fuck up. No one cares. End of story.
2. Bikini Waxing – If you suddenly get the brilliant idea to wax your lady bits after 6 margaritas, think again. This will hurt more than childbirth and you will be physically scarred for weeks. Think you know pain? Oh honey, you have no clue.
3. Tattoos – I have 6. All were created, designed and done while stone cold sober. This is serious business, and will be on your body for the rest of your life, so take this shit seriously. This isn’t a “phase”. This is a work of art. Treat it as such. Oh, and because your blood is extremely thin at that moment, you will bleed like a motherfucker. Yea, sexy, right?!
4. Dancing and Karaoke – No matter how awesome you may feel at the moment, this is a huge mistake waiting to happen. You will look like a Pat Benetar wannabe, singing unrecognizable lyrics while convulsing into a panic attack. Just. Don’t.
5. Texting – When drinking, put the phone down. We tend to reminisce while drunk. The temptation to text our former loved ones is too easy. To profess our love to those that unrequited our emotions is too tempting. I call it ‘emotional vomit’…and we tent to vomit all over the place when we’re not in control.
6. Instagram – Selfies tend to lose their meaning when you’re taking pics of everything but YOUR GODDAMN FACE! I could care less about the cleanliness of your carpet, or the awesomeness of your cleavage. Yea, I got that. If you can’t handle the picture app on your phone, then put the phone down.
7. Call your friends - No matter how entitled you feel, don’t ever call your besties to profess your love nor give your opinion of whatever tragedy they have going on in their life at the moment. Grudges will be held, followed by uncomfortableness the next time you see him/her. He/she will either want to hug you or kill you in that moment. Be prepared.
8. Attempt a lap dance – There’s something about inhaling a bottle or two of wine that makes you feel invincible. Suddenly you think you could bump and grind your man with the best of them, and look totally hot while doing it. Um, yea, give it up. What you really look like is an uncoordinated asshat with no sense of balance and are as sexy as an elephant running through a china shop while wearing a thong. At most, you’ll end up with thigh burns that last for weeks and a possible sprained ankle. Again, just don’t. Ever.
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