As I’m sitting here suffering from my first major allergy attack of the spring season, it suddenly dawns on me that maybe a glass of Chardonnay would help open my nasal passages. I’ve been swallowing allergy pills and drinking hot liquids all day with no relief. Standing vertical or laying horizontal makes no difference. Steam shower only made my hair frizz. Whether wrapped in 10 layers of clothes due to this sucky Chicago weather, then stripping naked from a heat flash, this whole experience sucks. So I’m trying the whole wine theory, cuz that shit has worked before.
But then the old marbles started rolling and got me thinking; what other silly little White Lies do we tell ourselves or our family to justify the ridiculous? Oh let me count the ways…
1. Alcohol can cure anything – Back in the ‘old days’ parents believed that a little whisky on a baby’s gums will help sooth teething pain. I know from personal experience that nothing can (temporarily) help heal heartache like a Grey Goose martini. Or three. So why couldn’t my whole wine theory help cure any ailment?
2. Yes, I have lost weight – On the outside, people may be checking you out and complimenting your figure, asking if you’ve shed a few pounds recently. But on the inside you know it took a minimizer bra and two layers of Spanks to look this way. Just smile and nod….smile and nod.
3. Sweetheart, last night when you came into our room at 2 in the morning, daddy and I were just wrestling – ‘nuff said.
4. These heels make me feel tall – I’m only 5’2. With heels, I may be 5’3-5’4 at the most. I’m still short. So give it up bitch.
5. Facebook is not a hobby, it’s a necessity – For those work-at-home slags like myself, social media is usually our only way of interacting with the outside world. Sorta. I guess we occasionally could put on pants and leave the house to see our local FB buddies, but that rarely happens. I have friends all over the country. The whole idea of jumping in the car and driving to L.A. to see my friend Katie is just not going to happen. Sorry Katie! So I’m left back at square one. If I want to be a regular part of someone’s life, the Internet may be the only option.
6. It’s not you, it’s me – Oh hell yes it’s you! I’ve got my shit together, but you are a walking train wreck that drains me of all necessary energy, and whose neurosis are such a huge time suck to listen to that I usually want to bitch slap you within 5 minutes of us hugging hello. I need to cancel my subscription; I can’t handle your issues.
7. I’m never going to drink again – until next weekend.
8. Mommy, how is a baby made? – When I asked my mom that question at the ripe age of 5, she responded with “when a man and woman love each other, they get married and kiss. 9 months later, a baby is born.” What a crock of shit! When Little Woman comes to me with questions like this, I tell her the truth, to a certain extent. She doesn’t need to know of the politics and logistics of everything. I think the whole penis/vagina sex thing would completely confuse her. But she knows that the mama carries the baby in her belly for 9 months, and then pushes it out of her vajayjay (or cut from her belly, like her brother was.) Either way, she knows the basics. The rest I’ll fill her in on when I can buy her a glass of wine.
9. I only spent $100 at the grocery store today honey – any well-trained husband who hears this will quickly raise his red flag. As a reasonable and thrifty woman, I try to stick within the grocery budget each month. But men forget that we, as women, are emotional shoppers. Depending on our mood, we may come home with $100 bucks in liquor and chocolate. If we’re craving red meat that day, be prepared to eat nothing but for the next 2 weeks. And yes, cheese is a food group. I’m not sure exactly how the intention of only spending $100 turns into a $300 excursion, but it is what it is.
10. I can still party like a rock star – Sure, I’d like to think that. But in reality, I need to realize that I do not have the metabolism nor the capacity to filter booze like I did in my 20’s. My body has been through quite a bit at this point, especially the whole ‘birthing children’ thing, so everything is moving a bit slower these days. A crazy night of drinking now requires 2 days recovery. And the greasy fast foods I use to quell my tender stomach now gives me raging heartburn. Blah! This whole getting old thing sucks.
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