My recurring nightmare that is a blessing in disguise

So as I’m sitting at the computer screwing around and listening to Pandora, the Queen classic Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and for some silly reason, I really listened to the words. Not only did it inflame this weird obsession I have with Freddie Mercury, but also stuck a cord with me.

 

‘Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide,

No escape from reality.’

This immediately reminded me of a recurring dream I’ve had for the past 5 years.

I wake up in my childhood bedroom, on the south side of Chicago. Everything is exactly as it was, circa 1987. I quickly look in the mirror and see my 16-year-old face, yet inside I am the same 43-year-old I am today.

I immediately scream for my mom, because that’s what we all do in times of fear. We want our mommies.

She runs up the stairs and insists I get ready for school. I turn to her and tell her that this is all wrong. I’m really a grown woman with a husband and two kids….and I need to find them. NOW!

While she’s laughing, I’m quickly scanning my brain as to where my (future) husband would be in 1987. I tell her I need to find him, because if I don’t, our children would not exist. I’m suddenly involved in a twisted version of Back To The Future.

She laughed and walked out of my room, as I fell to the floor in tears. I couldn’t imagine my life without my kids. I knew I had to do everything in my power to find my (future) husband and convince him I was his (future) wife, and we were destined to be together. Without him and me, there would never be an Us. And without Us, there would never be Them.

Then it dawned on me that maybe my future life, the life I live now, is just a dream. Is this reality or just the works of an overactive adolescent brain? The whole thought literally made me choke. I couldn’t breath. My heart was beating. My head was about to explode.

Either way, one thing was for certain; I needed my kids. They are the definition of who I am. Suddenly that shy, insecure 16-year-old I use to be became the outspoken, insistent, feisty adult I am now. I pack up a few things then leave the house to walk (yes, walk) to the neighborhood I knew my (future) hubby was living at the time.

This is when I wake up, all discombobulated. Not sure of what is up from down, left from right.

Like most people, if I had the chance to go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would totally do it. I would attempt to educate the silly little girl I once was. But then again, knowing her, she would be too damn stubborn to listen.

The reality of this dream is as much as I wish to relive my formative years, the horror of never knowing my kids is not worth the risk. I’ve chosen the road less traveled, and it’s been a bumpy ride. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So if this is all a dream, please don’t wake me. I’m currently in Heaven. Leave a message. BEEEEEP!

 

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