The top 10 ups and downs of being a mom

  • Privacy is a joke. Whether you’re peeing, talking on the phone or attempting to have sex with your spouse, expect to have the other human members of your family banging on the door screaming “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!”
  • The day your youngest child is finally out of pull-ups is the BEST. DAY. EVER! You run around the house, break open the wine and mentally count how much money you will save each month…which you will quickly turn around and spend on more wine. WINNING!
  • Nothing compares to when your babies cuddle with you in bed and say “I love you mama.” And then fart…..
  • Because your female junk has been messed around with so much, you can’t sneeze without tinkling your panties. And this usually happens when you’re in public, with no restroom in site. Dammit!
  • When your oldest comes home with an A-average report card, to which you respond ‘well of course she did, she’s my daughter’ then bang your chest in pride like a goddamn gorilla.
  • When all you hear all day and every sentence begins with ‘mamamamamamamamama’ to the point where you want to throw your skull into the nearest wall.
  • That moment of total connection when reading a book together, laughing out loud while watching an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants or simply cooking in the kitchen together. Sometimes it’s the simple things that are most memorable.
  • You reach that moment of frustration when you eventually scream and yell, tossing everyone to their rooms and realizing that yes – you have become your mother. GHAAAAAAAAAA!
  • When both kids are at school and you’re completely alone to do whatever you want….and yet the feeling of loneliness and silence consumes you. That moment when you realize when you’re not busy being a mom, you’re not sure who to be.
  • At the end of the day, when you check on your kids and see them sleeping in their beds – warm, comfy, happy, healthy – you realize that today has been the best day ever.

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