My biggest regret of 2013

Tis the season when all of us to look back at the past year, relive the highest of the highs, the lowest of the lows, and determine what the hell we’ve learned in the process.

In retrospect, 2013 was a far superior year compared to 2012. After surviving a year filled with illness, death and serious personal issues, 2013 blessed me with positive events I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen. But it also came with a huge spoonful of humility.

It also taught me that I can be an extreme asshat to those I love and cherish the most. May I have a glass of water to help wash down my goddamn ego? Great, thanks……

Those that know me well know I immediately trust everyone until they give me a reason not to, have the patience of a saint, accept everyone for whom they are and wear my heart on my sleeve. If I call you my friend, that means I’ll be your friend for life. I’ve been through so much in my life that it takes a lot to shock and hurt me. Yet, despite my unrelenting demeanor, I’m still human. I still bleed.

In two specific insistences this year, with two particular people I hold dear to my heart, choices were made, things were said, and I ended up extremely hurt. I won’t go into detail and won’t name names, because that’s not important. My initial response was shock, then anger, then I completely shut down.

I cut off contact with them. Through phone, text, social media, the gamut. It was a knee-jerk reaction towards self-preservation. This was an extremely difficult thing to do (because of my fucking bleeding heart), but to be honest, I felt betrayed. And I was, um, less than “nice” about telling said persons that I’ve chosen to walk away.  In the heat of anger, I became someone I didn’t recognize. She was ugly and mean. And I don’t do ugly nor mean, it’s not in my nature.

Time is funny. She makes you think. She makes you re-evaluate situations a million times until your brain is ready to explode. She makes you realize how much you miss those you’ve pushed away and that perhaps you’ve made a huge mistake by overreacting.

Eventually, I quietly ate crow, then contacted them both. And to my delight, the reaction was positive. We discussed misunderstandings. We discussed life. But more importantly, we discussed our love for each other. Forgiveness was granted, on both ends, and all was right with my world again. I am beyond grateful to have the awesome friends I choose to surround myself with.

I’m blessed to have these people back in my life, and I’m thankful for the understanding to forgive the human condition.

Namaste.

 

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