I’m a slave to the hormone machine

It’s funny how the internal ticking time bomb all us girls own called Hormones tends to overtake ever aspect of our lives. Not funny “haha”, but more like “are you fucking kidding me?!” pathetic funny. So not funny at all.

It starts early in life, around 9 or 10. Then come the boobs and the hips and the zits…next thing you know your mom is telling you to stay away from anything with a penis and throws you a maxi pad as thick as a novel. Um….hello! What the hell is going on here?!

Eventually things start happening that are out of your control, things that are so beyond your comprehension you don’t question it, it just…happens.  But now you find yourself angry, hungry, depressed, unsatisfied and homicidal, all at the same time. Your tits hurt, you’re crying every two seconds and you’re having weird dreams of Boy George and peanut butter. Again, what the hell is going on here?

In your 20’s, you have a better understanding of how all your junk works. The anticipation of what to expect each month reaches a tolerable level. Mother Nature is doing her thing and you’re just along for the ride. Stock up on some Tampax and Midol and hang on. Oh, and condoms. Lots and lots of condoms. WEEEEEEEEE!

In your early 30’s, the party is still going strong, however, there’s a slow in your roll you can’t quite explain. Suddenly the highs become more ‘high’ and the lows start to really suck; but it’s still manageable. The reality of popping kids out of your vagina is a whole different experience all together. During the procreation phase, things start to…..change.

Suddenly the inexplicable emotions become more pronounced. They take over a small portion of your month and trump everyone in the house. Crampy, irritable and bloaty - the perfect storm. And yes, if you look at me the wrong way or say something stupid, there is a strong possibility of getting beat down with a sippy cup. So approach with caution.

Now that I’m in my 40’s, I’m back to basics. I’ve given up trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my now perimenopausal body.  I just let it do its thing and accept the fact that I really have no control. My metabolism is quickly sinking, my stress levels are rising, I’m constantly hot and I haven’t slept a solid 8 hours in years. I’m just going with the flow and expressing every goddamn random emotion every moment I have them. While holding a glass of wine, of course!

My family is awesome. They’ve learned to deal with me this way. I think I’m a huge source of entertainment for them. Hey, keeps them on their toes. Never a dull moment in Red’s house!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to eat an entire box of chocolates then cry myself to sleep while singing the entire Bee Gees Anthology.


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