How to speak Man-Code in 20 simple steps

I’m a woman (duh) and as a strong-willed, independent woman, I say what I mean and mean what I say. A few years ago I reached a point in my life where I refuse to sugarcoat what I really think and am sometimes so blunt I could cut paper with my words.

I’ve been called harsh. I’ve been called crude. My approach tends to be raw. My friends endearingly call me ‘Trucker’ because of my usual-foul language. But one thing’s for sure; you will never have to guess where you stand with me because I will always be honest.

Now the men in my life? Well, that’s another story. They talk in tongues, often speaking in such contradictory terms that I’m left to decipher the true meaning of everything they say. But after 42 years, countless relationships and 2 marriages later, I think I’m beginning to understand. For example:

1. Honey, I’ll cook dinner tonight. Translation: I’ll pick up the phone and order. Pizza or Chinese?

2. Let’s watch a movie tonight. Translation: I’ll be fully prepped and ready to go with popcorn and Pepsi in hand. But after 30 minutes, I’ll be snoring like a drunken sailor. I promised a date, I never said I’d stay awake for it.

3. Let’s go cuddle in bed. Translation: I want sex.

4. I bet you’re going to Facebook this, aren’t you? Translation: You seem to want to document every douchy thing I do just to get a laugh, right?

5. You’re texting is out of control. Translation: I’m just jealous you have more friends than me.

6. Why can’t you do my laundry too, you’re home all day! Translation: You do nothing all day but watch soap operas and eat bon-bons, so why can’t you wash my stinky drawers too?!

7.  I like those pants on you, they accentuate your figure. Translation: Take them off, I want sex.

8.  Happy anniversary! I didn’t have time to get a card. Translation: I’m a dork, I forgot.

9.  Honey, dinner tonight was…interesting. Translation: It sucked. Please don’t cook that again.

10.  I’m willing to cooperate with the housework. Translation: I make the mess, you clean it up. Cooperation!

11.  I was just thinking of you and got you these roses. Translation: I know I fucked up and am hoping these flowers will heal all wounds so I can get laid later tonight.

12.  I heard you the first time! Translation: I know you’re right, but I refuse to acknowledge the fact I’m completely wrong.

13.  That blouse looks great on you. Translation: your tits look awesome! Can we have sex?

14.  Hey honey, the game is almost over, what are you doing? Translation: Once the game is over, I expect to be served food, so get started.

15.  Are you really gonna wear that? Translation: You look too hot, and men are going to hit on you, so please change.

16.  Are you really gonna wear that? Translation: What you’re wearing is a bit ‘matronly’, so please change into something sexier because I want to show you off.

17.  I love you so much, you are so beautiful. Translation: I love you, can we have sex now?

18.  Do you need some help in the kitchen? Translation: Why isn’t dinner ready yet?

19.  Are you still on Facebook? Translation: Please get off the computer and pay attention to meeeeeeeeee!

20.  Honey, I’ll love you no matter what size you are. Translation: Sure, after 2 kids, your body isn’t as tight and thin as when I met you, but you’re the only woman on the planet that will put up with my shit, so I’ll stick with you.

 You can find me on facebook and twitter, talking smack. Join me.

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