A Mama and her jeans: A tale of loathing and deceit

I finally have an ass!

Well, kinda. At least I can say that I found a pair of jeans that makes me look like I have somewhat of an ass, and that in itself is huge! The accomplishment….not my ass.

Like most women, I tend to be blessed in one area while lacking in the other. At 5’2, I’m a bit challenged in the height area. But I’ve got the hair and boob size that most women pay good money to have, which I’ve never completely understood. Who would pay to have uncontrollable frizz and boobs that make every piece of clothing fit weird, especially button down shirts that never stay buttoned? And let’s not even talk about those empire waist prairie tops that are in fashion quite often. Every time I attempt to wear one of those bitches people ask me when I’m expecting. Meh.

Every pair of jeans I’ve ever owned has given me the dreaded ‘Droopy Drawer’ look. They might fit well in the waist and upper derriere, but where my ass eventually melts into nothing is when that extra material just dangles there. Like a pathetic wind sail, waiting for the next gust of air to fill her in. As if the denim/spandex combo just gave up after a certain point, saying ‘yea, we could attempt to follow the curves of your ass, but nah. We’ll wait here.’

Fuck you jeans. Fuck. You.

After years, I’ve given up hope. Then begins the cycle of wearing nothing but yoga pants and leggings, because I know they won’t betray me.

Then one day, I was perusing through Kohl’s and decided to try on a few pair of jeans, just for fun. The whole thought process was as ridiculous as me sitting at home and deciding to schedule a root canal because it might be fun. But I went with it.

Much to my surprise, I found a pair of Lee jeans that fit we well in every area possible. I almost burst in tears right there in the dressing room. I have found the Holy Grail of denim. That’s almost as epic as finding the perfect bra or bathing suit.  I happily skipped to the register, and have been displaying this phenomenon of fabric ever since. I almost feel like I’m living in a bad SNL skit – “Hi, I’m Tara, I’m a writer with 2 kids…and have you seen how awesome my ass looks in these jeans?!”

Kardashians ain't got nothing on me!

Kardashians ain't got nothing on me!

It’s the little things.

 You can find me and my ass on facebook and twitter.

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