To all husbands: 8 simple ways to get into your wife’s pants

Dear Husbands,

I love you guys, I really do; you look great, work hard, smell good and have interesting brains. Ya’ll are a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, all wrapped in bacon.  And everyone knows how us broads love bacon.

But to understand how us wives work takes a whole different mind-set. Sure, it may involve a whole different hemisphere of the brain never explored before, but it’s there. It does exist. And it’s so goddamn simple to understand. For starters, it all begins with our brains, not our vagina. Here are a few clues to help you out:

#1 ~ Your work life may suck, and we understand that. But when you come home, leave all that bullshit outside the front door, so when you enter the house, you respect the Calm we work hard to create.

#2 ~ Treat us as equals. We are highly educated, intelligent, world-traveled people. Respect us as so.

#3 ~ We may not always look the best we can, because we’re busy taking care of other things, but throw us a compliment every now and then. When dressed in yoga pants, a stained t-shirt, hair up in a messy clip and that overwhelmed look on our face, take 2 seconds to grab us, kiss us full on the mouth and tell us how great our tits look in that nasty shirt.

#4 ~ Pay attention. If we have something to say, but down the iPad, turn off the TV, stop texting and LOOK at us. More importantly, listen to us. That’s all we want.

#5 ~ Three words that will guarantee you get laid – Do. The. Dishes. A man doing housework is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.

#6 ~ Think before you speak. If you suspect that what is about to come out your mouth is going to sound completely ridiculous and piss her off, don’t say it!

#7 ~ Make her feel like the amazing woman you first fell in love with. Next time you’re in public, hit on her. Bring her flowers for no reason. Call her at work and start a game of phone sex. Write her a note, expressing the exact emotions you had when you first laid eyes on her. Be mysterious, slightly naughty and very romantic. Us ladies eat that stuff up!

#8 ~ When you see us getting irritable, frustrated and downright bitchy, cut us some slack. We have to deal with all your mood swings, professional highs and lows, crazy family and your incessant inability to put your dirty underwear in the goddamn hamper. So if you see a glazed look in our eyes, our bottom lip begin to quiver and our hands ball into fists, just hold us in your arms and tell us how much you love us. Major brownie points. BOOM!


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