A day in the life of Dude: The 4-year-old experience

6:00 AM – Mom. Mom. Mom. Mama. Mama. Mama. Hello? Time to wake up, I’m done sleeping...HELLO! If you don’t wake up in the next 15 seconds, I will jump on you and kick you in the taco. GET UP, I’M HUNGRY!!!! Oh by the way, where’s Dad? What? Work, again?! Didn’t he just go there yesterday?! Ugh.

6:15 AM – I know you’re trying to “wash your face” and “brush your teeth” to wake up, but I’m going to jump up on the sink and make it impossible to do either task. And I think I’ll dump all your toiletries on the floor, just because.

6:30 AM - Really? You’re going to make me wait to fix breakfast until after you brew your liquid crack? That’s fine, I’ll be in the living room, throwing toys around and smearing the TV with saliva. Whenever you’re ready….

8:00 AM – SpongeBob cracks my shit up! Oh, while you’re up for your 5th cup of liquid crack, could you grab me another sippy of apple juice? Thanks babe.

8:10 AM – I’m bored with SpongeBob; I’ll be trashing my room if you need me.

9:00 AM – Hey, while you’re in the shower, I’m going to strip naked and run around the backyard until you catch me. Sucks that I know how to work door locks now, huh?! Aaaaaahahahahahahahaha!

9:15 AM – (sticks head in the fridge and pantry) I’m hungry again. We have no food in this house woman. Oh wait, chips!

10:00 AM – Who’s on the phone? Oh, a potential employer, wanting to set up an interview? Cool. I’ll be screaming in the background and humping your leg until you pay me attention. That’s cool, right?!

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11:00 AM – (sticks head in the fridge and pantry) I’m still hungry. Just sayn’.

Noon – What? Lunch? Um, what ever you want to make. You know I’ll only eat half of what you make, the rest will end up on the carpet, because I like to listen to you swear while vacuuming, for the third time that day.

1:00 PM – I have to poop. Please accompany me.

2:00 PM – Feeling a bit tired and cranky, think I’ll have my first meltdown now. Good luck with that.

2:15 PM – Ok, this timeout is getting boring. Can I come out now?!

3:00 PM – You want me to pick up my toys? Sorry, don’t understand what you mean….Imma play stupid for a bit. Can I have a cookie?!

4:00 PM – Ugh, your reality shows are getting boring, can we please watch The Little Mermaid again, for the 10-millionth time, because that shit is so cool. And I need more juice in my sippy. Thanks.

5:00 PM – Hey, I know you’re trying to cook dinner and shit, so Imma run my big-wheel through the kitchen ten million times just to piss you off, ok? Great.

5:45 PM – What? Dad’s home?!?!?!?! I’ll be in my room……

6:00 PM – I know you worked hard on dinner tonight, but again, like lunch, I’ll only eat half and “accidently” spill the rest on the floor.  I learn new swear words each time you pick up my mess, TEEHEE!

7:00 PM – I’m really whooped, time for my second meltdown of the day. Go pour yourself a glass of wine and hold on.

7:15 PM – Timeouts suck. Can I come out now?!

8:00 PM – Bedtime is for pussies. Catch me if you can.

8:30 PM – In bed, staring at the ceiling. This sucks.

8:40 PM – I have to pee. Please accompany me.

8:50 PM – I’m thirsty, can I have a drink? No? Crap.

9:00 PM – Still up….can I have a drink now? Hello? I know you hear me.

9:15 PM – Still staring at you thru the crack in my bedroom door. I know you see me.

9:35 PM - Feeling a bit hazy….still thirsty…..SQUIRREL!

9:45 PM – Aaaaaand scene. Scalzo out. ‘Nite y’all.

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