Every year I’m asked the same question; so what ‘chu want for Christmas? Sure, I could fill my list with silly little material items that would soothe a temporary need, but would be forgotten within a month’s time. So the big question is: for the long run, in reality speak, what do us hard working Mamas really want for the holidays, aside from not feeling like a fried out, crispy crunchy Christmas tree?
1. Sleep ~ If Mama wants to go to bed early, leave the bitch alone. Andplease let my tired soul sleep as late as possible, that would be a great start. I cook, cater and clean after your ass 24/7, so cut me some slack. Don’t bombard me with the usual wake-up call that includes a scream in the ear and a kick in the groin, thankyouverymuch. And if you have coffee already brewing when I wake – Gold Star! Cake will be served for breakfast. BOOM!
2. Showering ~ It’s bad enough that I have to see my post-baby(s) body completely naked on a daily basis. But when you impose the added stress having a toddler pulling back the shower curtain a million times to laugh at my saggy bits and tell me you have to take a poo-poo right now only exasperates the whole situation. In a perfect world, I would be allowed 10 minutes of daily-uninterrupted bliss where I could pamper my own ass instead of everyone else’s.
3. Dropping a shadoobie or pissing in private ~ After kids, the joy of releasing our bowels and/or bladder in private is next to impossible. For once, I’d love wipe my own ass without the judgmental stares of 4 prying eyes. To accomplish uninterrupted potty time from piss to wipe is a tough one, but I give it the ‘freshman try’ every. Damn. Day.
4. 2 words: Molly Maids ~ One gift guaranteed to have me crying tears of joy and bring me to my knees in thankfulness would be a gift certificate to a full-service maid company. Whether it’s for one day or one week, any amount of help would be totally appreciated. The idea of having someone else take care of the daily shit jobs I do around the house sends shivers of pure delight down my spine. Dishes? Gone. Dust? Swiffed away. Laundry? Clean and folded. Groceries? Bought and put away. Toilets? Scrubbed clean. Carpets? Vacuumed and lint-free. Random crap the kids throw all over the house? Picked up 10 seconds after it hits the floor. BOO YA!
5. Shut your mouth and open your ears ~ For once, I’d love for any of my house mates to stop me in my manic bi-polar tracks, sit me down, pour me a glass of wine and ask me how I’m doing. For reals. To ask me if there is anything they could do for me (what a concept!) and show serious concern about my physical, mental and spiritual well-being…….HA! Yea, that wish was a long shot, but hey, a mama can dream, right? And to have the ability to express every random emotion at the exact moment I’m having it without judgment would be sheer freedom. Heaven!
Short of a partial-lobotomy and a huge miracle, none of the above is ever gonna happen any time soon. And yet…I’m ok with that.
So what’s on your Christmas list? Tell Mama your secret desires, I promise not to tell others. Or hold it against you in a restraining order.