I love the holidays, I really do. But there are certain holiday traditions that are so ridiculous that I can’t bring myself to partake. Don’t get me wrong; I’m very old school when it comes to most things. I believe in the gathering of family & friends, great food, good wine, unconditional love and selfless gift giving. But certain traditions leave me scratching my head, asking WTH?
1. Elf on the Shelf ~ The whole concept of putting a stuffed doll dressed like an elf, moving him around the house, then telling our kids that this elf is watching their every move would scare the hell out of me as a kid. Thinking like a kid, I would first wonder how this creepy looking creation with the mischievous grin could determine the fate of my entire Christmas holiday. And how the hell does that bitch move from room to room? Do we have a ghost in the house? Does he stand over me when I sleep? Will I ever be able to pee in private again?! OMG THE STRESS!
What ever happened to good old-fashioned blackmail? ‘Oh you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not shout, I’m telling you why. Santa Clause is coming to town. He’s making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty or nice….’ This is all I ever needed to hear as a kid. Point made, done deal.
2. White Elephant parties ~ Please don’t ask me to attend a party that requires me to wrap up a piece of useless crap from my house to bring to your house, in exchange for another piece of useless crap. Unless you plan on getting me beyond intoxicated to the point where I may find this endearing, don’t bother. Otherwise you risk me punching you in the throat. Call me when you have an “Exchange the Wine Bottle” party, m’kay? Thanks.
3. Door-to-door Caroling and/or Wassailing ~ First of all, standing outside in the cold and snow for hours on end, singing for neighbors I hardly know and/or can’t stand does not appeal to me at all. I hate the cold weather, period. You would think, being a Chicagoan, I would be use to this shit, but I’m not. Second, beyond the exterior of my house or car, no one would want to hear me sing. The sound is 6 keys left-of-center and the only time my own children beg me to stop doing….anything. And the whole concept of Wassailing, where you are invited into each and every home for food and drink while caroling, scares the hell out of me. By the time I reached the last house, my level of intoxication would probably include a pathetic lap dance, disgustingly inappropriate jokes and spooning the family dog. Not very neighborly-like. And once again justifies the whole reason I became a writer and not an American Idol contestant. Meh.
So how about you? Any holiday traditions you choose to ignore?