No, I don’t have a PH.D in human behavior, behavioral science or psychology. But after countless relationships and two marriages later, I think I know a thing or two about how men and women relate. This info may be more valuable than 4 years at friggin’ Harvard. Ladies, take notes!
Day One - Talk. All the time. They say that communication is key in a relationship. But I believe that there can be too much communication between each other, to the point where you just want to punch your spouse in the face to shut them up. Men claim they never know what is going on our mind, that they have to sometimes drag information out of us, which is true from time to time. So to remedy this and totally piss him off? Talk. All the time. About everything and anything. Talk about your period. Talk about the massive dump your kid took that day. Talk about the bitch at the grocery store that cut in front of you at the checkout. Talk about how you hate you entire wardrobe and need to go shopping. Talk about how fat your ass has gotten over the years. Insult the size of his growing belly. Talk details about your BFF’s urinary tract infection. Try to psychoanalyze why you just are never in the mood for sex. Ever. Talk about your heartbreak over JLO and Marc Anthony breaking up. JUST KEEP TALKING! He will never bitch about your lack of communication ever again, trust me.
Day Two – Forget everything. Without us lovely wives to dress, groom, feed and send them out the door with some sense of direction, our men would be helplessly wandering around the world looking like complete asshats. Sometimes it’s hard to discern whether you’re an equal life partner or a cheap personal assistant. At times, the daily 'reminder' list for each husband is enough to cause severe cranial bleeding. I say it’s time to rebel! Accidently “forget” to pick up his dry cleaning for work, so he’s forced to wear outdated Gap cords that are a size too small and an inch too short. Accidentally “Forget” he told you about boys’ night out and bitch up a storm when he’s heading out the door. Accidently “forget” to pick up his 12-pack of Coke and big bag of potato chips that he likes to gorge on while spending an evening in front of the TV, scratching his balls and ignoring you. Accidently “forget” to have sex with him. ‘Nuff said.
Day Three – Start bringing home chotchkies. Just when he thinks he knows you, scare the shit out of him by turning into his grandmother. Slowly start placing the most hideous nick-knacks all over the house, complete with doilies and strategic spotlights. Spend hours admiring each piece of junk as if it was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. Start documenting serial numbers and spend endless hours searching eBay for the next big treasure. Cry when you don’t win a bid. Tell him you want to amend your will, leaving each and every useless piece to him upon your death. At this point, if he’s not questioning your mental health and investigating psychotropic medication, you’re not trying hard enough.
Day Four – Drain the tank dry. As in, the gas tank. If you’re like most couples who flip-flop cars, depending on the day of the week, why not squeeze every ounce of petrol from every vehicle each chance you get. And then “forget” to refill the tank. Opps! Nothing says ‘Happy Monday Morning!’ like a bright red flashing empty tank light in their face, at the ass-crack of dawn when they’re already running late for the train. Fun times!
Day Five – Two words: granny panties. Make the announcement, preferably in public or in front of the In-Laws, that you have decided to throw out all your sexy French thongs in place of more comfortable, practical briefs. Ya know, the kind that you can jack up to your tits no problem, and come in the most muted colors on Earth. After all, comfort is key. And nothing says comfort like a yard of cotton with an elasticized waist, gently caressing the curves of your womanhood. Right?! Victoria’s Secret is so passé at the point in the relationship, so why not gently ease him into what lies ahead during the twilight of your years together. Love me, love my panties!