When I was little I always dreamed of having at least two children, a boy and a girl, which I would teach everything I knew to because you never know what may come in the future. Little did I know my future would come with cancer and no children.
As a teenager in high school I did my damnedest to stay away from boys so I would not get pregnant. I mean when you graduate from 8th grade and there are at least 4 girls already pregnant I am sure my parents started to worry. By the time I was 10 I already knew what a STD was, how to deal with a period when it comes and why it comes, and how to protect myself if anything was to ever happen. What can I say, my dad was a bit crackers and most of the talks he was drunk (not saying this is a bad thing, but alcohol was his way of dealing with his own depression in the 80s and 90s).
By the time I was 19 I had my first boyfriend and was about to lose my virginity to my second boyfriend. I did everything I could to prevent a pregnancy, I even went to a doctor when I was 20 for birth control. I still had that dream of the house with the two kids, but I figured I had time to find the one and watch as everything unrolled.
By the time I hit 30 I was terrified of children. The fact that children these days do not respect their elders, authority figures, or even children of their own age, I was determined to never have them. I was not going to be sent to jail for punishing my child for doing something they shouldn’t have, and I was not going to be held responsible for some kid that decided they were going to be an asshole. I seen enough of it in my old neighborhood, Edgewater, to know I was not going to breed assholes and expect civil society to raise them. Sorry but it should not take a village to raise a child, it should be responsible parents.
Then it happened.
I was about 33 when I started dating a guy that was sweet, seemed like everything a girl could ask for, but I had to dump him like a hot potato because he said he didn’t want any more kids. I was like “What the fuck? Is this guy for real? Did he just deny me children before I even gave up full hope on the boy and girl?” At times I regret making that decision, but one cannot regret we must move on and find that thing that brings us peace.
By the time I hit 35 I was done with the late night drinking parties, going out after work for a few drinks, or even going out period. This was when I started to become a hermit. Sure I had friends that I would go out with or spend a night in, but nothing like it was during my 20s. Let’s just say I was getting too old for that bullshit. I was starting to seriously think about children again.
When I turned 36 was the turning point in my life. I was tested for the BRCA genes and BAM! I was smacked in the face with reality again. Being BRCA 2+ leaves a woman with a lot of shit to deal with and not a lot of options to think about. So the waiting game began.
I am now 39, nearly 4 decades old on this planet, no children, and single. I survived breast cancer like my aunts before me, but now I have a lingering dilemma, where are my two children? As I sit here balling my eyes out, I am left with an emptiness that no one should ever have to deal with, but so many in my shoes have gone through before me.
Today I had my pre-op appointment for a complete hysterectomy next week and I fear the two greatest thing a woman in my position should never have to think about, who will carry on my name and who would want a broken woman.
The past few months have been a bitch to get through with all my tears and emotional bullshit. I have spent many sleepless nights wondering what could have been, but in the end I wake up to reality wishing for a Mulligan so I could turn back the clocks 15 years and make different choices. I can deal with the cancer, but I do not think I can deal with the fact that I have no children.
Why is it we want the one thing that we cannot have the moment we are told we can no longer have it? I want my cake and pie! As of next week I will be depending on others to have the Cake and Pie so I can eat them up.
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