I Am Not Going To Miss Periods

Just when I thought things for me could not get any worse before a radical hysterectomy, I was WRONG!

Saturday my sister and I spent the day cleaning house before the parental units enter the state, so afterwards we decided to take the dog to the forest preserve to burn off some of the dog's energy, and that is when it hit me. I was sitting on the benches under what we call the tepee when I was hit with some really bad cramps. I was starting to feel myself balling up when my sister asked me if I was ok.

That is when it happened.

Are you serious right now?!

You have got to be kidding me, right?!

No fucker, you know exactly what is going on.

Sunday morning I woke up to what I thought was the scene from The Godfather, you know the one I am referring to. The bloody one with the horse head. I swear I woke up thinking I was in a movie and I was just giving birth to Rosemary’s baby and all that was left was the blood splatter everywhere.

In the 25 years that I was blessed with the ugly thing calls menstruation, I thought I had it all under control. HELL NO SISTER!

See, for the past almost 2 years my period has been slowly increasing from a 28 day cycle to a weird 31-34 day cycle, so predicting when it will come has been getting harder and harder. Top that off with being put on birth control, now suddenly my periods are unpredictable.

For the past 4 months I have been having 3 periods in a month and I was starting to go bat shit crazy from. Not only is it bad for me physically, but try mentally. I would hope some can understand what I am speaking of, I know I cannot be the only erratic bitch on wheels with a license to bite. Well not bite, but you know what will be coming for you if you get me pissy.

So I started to think about all the things I will be glad that I will no longer have to deal with once the hysterectomy is finalized:

1) NO MORE BLOOD PERIOD! I hate walking around with a blood soaked pad on, I am pretty sure I am not the only one. Will be so nice not to watch the scene from Psycho every month when I shower.

2) NO MORE CRAMPS! Cramps to me is like that 4 letter word your mother would smack you across the mouth for saying. I hate them, I think they are the Devils work, and I cannot wait for the day I no longer feel a shooting pain from my crotch to my toes. I swear someone has a voodoo doll of me and puts all of the needles in my crotch at that time of the month.

3) NO MORE PADS! I have never been able to use Tampons so I have lived 25 years using pads. They are bulky, never in the right place, never stick where you put them, and when you walk it feels like you have a loaded diaper ready to hatch even when you just put a new one on. No more thinking of that scene from Carrie: “PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP!”

4) NO MORE HAND WASHING BLOODY PANTIES! I hate hand washing, especially when my hands start to cramp up the moment I make the wringing motion. The worst thing I could ever think of hand washing is a bloody pair of panties (not really but I would rather wash a worn pair than bloody) and, up until last Sunday, I thought I was done with all that noise since I got pretty good at predicting my periods. Apparently Mother Nature decided to give me a big FUCK YOU since I decided to go the radical way.

5) NO MORE SYNCED CYCLES! For the past 6 to 8 months I feel like the women around me have all synced up with my cycle and it sucks. Somehow the conversation always started by me was about when I was going to start, how I was getting three a month, and how I could not figure out why they were so erratic. Thanks to hearing each one pipe up with their cycle having started and then I saw the pattern. FUCK YOU PATTERNS!

6) NO MORE WEEK BEFORE THE WEEK! You know, that time when you are craving everything in the house and decide to stuff it all in your face, from chocolate bits to that bag full of salty chips. I am pretty sure my slowly growing waistline will appreciate when I no longer crave crap. I will also no longer miss feeling the egg “pop” during this time, especially when they are painful.

7) NO MORE BLOODY PANTIES! YAY! I can finally buy the pretty lace frilly crap to cover my bottom and never have to worry about wearing on a day the flood gates decides to open and destroy everything in its path. I swear periods are the death to sexy frilly underthings, SERIOUSLY!

And the last thing I will no longer have to worry about…..

8) NO MORE MISSED PERIODS! There were a couple of times I got the pregnancy scare, boy where those some nutty times. I actually know how to take and read a pregnancy test and I am sort of glad that I no longer have to worry if I will miss a period because it will be missed for a very long time.

So on my last day as a fertile woman I will be sipping my coffee while gracefully cursing my last period for the next 24 hours. Hopefully I make it through. If not, watch for breaking news this evening. HA HA HA!

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