Self esteem is one of those things they do not teach you in school. From the moment you are birthed, you are coddled by your mommy and daddy because you are small and fragile. The moment you hit school you are thrown in with a bunch of kids you do not know and the bullying begins.
I for one have had my fair share of being bullied. I wrote a post about it last year, but it still hurts deep down. You never get over the name calling, the degrading acts, nor the looks one would get. I was never a fat kid growing up. My sister and I would do anything so we could go outside and play. We would run around, ride my bike, or as we got older we would play dodge ball and piggy out in front of my old high school. Hell, any one of you could see I was active for a long time just from the solid feel of my legs from my hips to my ankles.
I always hated my legs for a long time. The guys I know/knew would call them chicken legs because I have big calves. Some would say they wished they had my legs so they could dunk basket balls. I am lucky if I can jump and hit the No Parking signs in my neighborhood, let alone try to dunk. Only sports I was ever good at in high school were volleyball, softball and swimming. I am not saying competitive style, but I was good enough that I was not sitting on the sidelines pouting. Anything beyond those three I did not give two shits about.
How I got my super awesome legs was riding a bicycle for 5 seasons. I would hop on my bike from the first day it was nice in spring, until the first nasty day in the fall. I rode every day after work, sometimes to work, from the apartment I was living in with my parents to Navy Pier. In the summer and on weekends I would try to go as far as the Museum Campus, but most times I would stop off at Navy Pier and wander the shops and stop for a bite at Widow's Tavern. My favorite times were riding after dinner and going to Widow's Tavern for dessert. For those of you that do not know about Widow's Tavern, it was the restaurant that once occupied the Bubba Gumps location.
I never rode my bike on the sissy speeds, it was always in the 10th speed and I would fly down the trail along the lake. My bike is an old Huffy, probably older than myself, that was bought at a flea market in Wisconsin about a year or two before I started riding. I got tired of hanging out with friends my sister and I shared, and felt that I needed to go out and just be me. I am a loner most times after all so why not do something where I am just focused on myself and getting from Point A to Point B as fast as I could.
After all these years you would think that I would love my legs, but I really don't. Why don't I like them you might ask? Try fitting a calf that measures about 17" around into a normal size 8 boot. It ain't going to happen, I've tried! I had to have boots custom made that scoop below my calf muscles, I cannot wear skinny jeans, and I feel like most guys would think it was all fat until the first time they see me in heels or try to reach for something in a cabinet. Nothing like being the short one and everything I need seems to be put on the middle or top shelf at work.
(These are my custom made boots from Sky Scraper Heels. Call them and as for Gary, tell him Brandi Wall sent you.)
Another thing is, a lot of the weight I packed on was when I dated a specific person that is no longer in my life for many reasons and I am glad for that. While I was with him I did not care about myself as much as I do now. I didn't care what anyone thought about me or what I looked like. I knew they were all fake, thinking that I did not see past their bullshit, but I did. Of course I did not care because they were his friends and family. They only thing they cares about was shit that did not matter to the world, get drunk and do stupid shit.
This is when I became the fat girl. Everything was fat girl this, or fat girl that. I was the one calling myself the fat girl. How low in my life was I that I did not care to think higher of myself? I would yell at the TV when I would have on America's Next Top Model and they were calling a size 10 a plus size. I know plus size and a 10 is not it! I was breaching size 16 by the second year I was dating this guy and knew that was HUGE, but I didn't care.
I was so low with my self esteem that I would purposefully not move when some stupid bitch hogging the sidewalk would come straight at me just so I could bowl her over with a shoulder check or a hip check. One night when I was out with my good friend Corey, I made some stupid bitch spin around and fall into a fence because she had the nerve to walk straight for me and not give a shit. When friends would tag me in photos, I would untag myself if I found the photo unflattering. It would take me forever to take a photo of myself because I was too busy trying to hide my chin thinking it was a double, finding the right angle that made my face look different then what I was really seeing.
I hated the way I looked. I hated having my photo taken. I was always the one behind the camera anywhere I went because I was ashamed of what I had become and what I had left myself get to. I basically got to the point that I no longer cared about myself and that is a terrible place to be. I felt like I was the blob just waiting to absorb my next meal.
When someone makes a comment about my fat ass I give them a dirty look and then walk away. Think of it as sad, disgusting, or whatever adjective you want to insert here, but I don't give a shit. What someone thinks about me and my body means nothing to me, never has and never will. Just shows their ignorance and stupidity if you ask me. Being rude to a person over her size is not cool.
The best are the guys that message you on dating sites that are all over you calling you pretty and and wanting to be with you. They are all Mr. Right until you reject them. Once you tell them you find their profile rude or you just flat out tell them why you are not interested, they attack you about your weight. Below you will find a screen shot I took of a message I got after calling the guy out on his bullshit profile. He has no real photo of himself and what he does have are stupid photos where he had someone place his image over a billboard, a blank wall, or a flag. I asked for a real photo, said I had enough of the run around, and his not answering my questions and called him out on it. As you can see he was a real prize to win for some airhead out there that will put up with his abusive nature! Also I do not care to block his profile name. What this asshole didn't bother to read in my first message to him was my photos are a little older and I was 40 lbs heavier, on a diet and changing that. Goes to show there are real QUALITY men out there that I REALLY want to date!!!
I am sorry, but the world is made up of all kinds of people. I might be fat, I know this and accept it and am working on changing it. You have no right at all as some douche bag fucknut that cannot seem to take rejection well to make some snide comment about a girls weight.
Self esteem is a growing problem in the world today. Just look at any sales commercial for clothing, they make me want to shove a sandwich down the broads throat and make her digest it. These runway models look like they have eating disorders, and society seems to think it is ok to make Americas youth see this and accept it as a normal standard. I am sorry but when they made the size 00 that is when all of humanity should have wept, instead you got guys out there staking claims that this is the kind of girl they want.
No one seems to remember that centuries ago on up until a few decades ago, being a big girl with big hips meant you would survive childbirth and that made you more desirable. Open any men's magazine and look at what is representing the women of the world today, nothing but skinny broads. Do you really think this helps those of us that have low self esteems? HELL NO!
What we need to do is teach those with low self esteem that they are beautiful no matter what size they are. Teach them the difference between healthy and unhealthy. Do not shovel agendas down their throats and make them feel worse about themselves then they already do. Guide them, do not yell at them, to ways that will help them lose weight. If you cannot help the situation then you should remove yourself or not say anything at all. Negative people will just hurt the ones that need help. I ought to know all of this as I am one of the many that has self esteem issues.
Just remember the good words of Stuart Smalley:
Skinny Girl In The Fat Girls Body Part 8: Stupid Sales Person At Old Navy
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