We are all concerned about the issue of school safety after the horrific events in Parkland, Florida. And, as is so typical of him, our loving, caring President weighed in with a BRILLIANT idea for protecting our children from mad murderers, namely arming twenty percent of America's teachers. However, as is so often the case with this cautious, careful President, Donald Trump doesn't go far enough! After all, didn't he say that the REAL threat to the lives and limbs of our innocent children comes from the mentally ill? While I concede that a well-armed force of teachers MIGHT be a deterrent against the logical and sane among us, but what about the degenerate sickos? Would THEY think coming up against a "ninja teacher", well-armed and thoroughly trained, to be a sufficient deterrent? I don't think so!
It is a well known axiom that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Therefore, it seems to me, the MOST effective deterrent is one which would keep any miscreant OUT of our schools in the first place. So, in the interests of school safety, I propose we pass the Universal School Moat Construction Act. The purpose of this bill would be to keep crazed killers as far away from our kids as would be humanly possible by building moats around every school in the United States. Further, I propose this bill mandate the filling of these moats with Great White Sharks, so that if any of these insane killers DARED to cross the moat, they'd be eaten by one of nature's most effective predators!
However, I must admit that this proposal only goes so far. It is at least conceivable that a totally focused but nevertheless absolutely insane person just might find the ways and means to cross the moat and place our innocent school children in jeopardy. Therefore, I think it only prudent to place another effective weapon in the quiver of America's school systems. This is why I propose the passage of the Universal School Land Mine Emplacement Act. We must ring every single moat we construct with a intricately designed series of land mines, creating a virtual no man's land between the outside world and our school children.
Apart from the armed teachers in our school hallways and classrooms, it makes sense to me that we assign our National Guard Force to the rooftops of every school in America. The National Guard troops to be assigned to this detail will be well-trained, disciplined marksmen who will gun down each and every intruder who dares even contemplate crossing our mine fields and our shark-infested moats. If such modest measures do not stem the tide of senseless slayings in our schools, it may then be time to step up this program of preparedness to include such measures as arming each student with a dozen hand grenades, issuing every student in America with a bulletproof vest, and the positioning of gun emplacements at every entry point of every school in America.
President Trump is to be congratulated on his magnificent sense of self-restraint in merely proposing the arming of a small percentage of America's teachers. I'm sure it was the mealy-mouthed, cravenly cowards of the media that forced him into an abject act of self-censorship, but I am equally convinced that it will not be long before the voices of reason convince him that Trump MUST Be Trump!
Filed under: Politics