A Modest Proposal

We are all concerned about the issue of school safety after the horrific events in Parkland, Florida. And, as is so typical of him, our loving, caring President weighed in with a BRILLIANT idea for protecting our children from mad murderers, namely arming twenty percent of America's teachers. However, as is so often the case with this cautious, careful President, Donald Trump doesn't go far enough! After all, didn't he say that the REAL threat to the lives and limbs of our innocent children comes from the mentally ill? While I concede that a well-armed force of teachers MIGHT be a deterrent against the logical and sane among us, but what about the degenerate sickos? Would THEY think coming up against a "ninja teacher", well-armed and thoroughly trained, to be a sufficient deterrent? I don't think so!

It is a well known axiom that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Therefore, it seems to me, the MOST effective deterrent is one which would keep any miscreant OUT of our schools in the first place. So, in the interests of school safety, I propose we pass the Universal School Moat Construction Act. The purpose of this bill would be to keep crazed killers as far away from our kids as would be humanly possible by building moats around every school in the United States. Further, I propose this bill mandate the filling of these moats with Great White Sharks, so that if any of these insane killers DARED to cross the moat, they'd be eaten by one of nature's most effective predators!

However, I must admit that this proposal only goes so far. It is at least conceivable that a totally focused but nevertheless absolutely insane person just might find the ways and means to cross the moat and place our innocent school children in jeopardy. Therefore, I think it only prudent to place another effective weapon in the quiver of America's school systems. This is why I propose the passage of the Universal School Land Mine Emplacement Act. We must ring every single moat we construct with a intricately designed series of land mines, creating a virtual no man's land between the outside world and our school children.

Apart from the armed teachers in our school hallways and classrooms, it makes sense to me that we assign our National Guard Force to the rooftops of every school in America. The National Guard troops to be assigned to this detail will be well-trained, disciplined marksmen who will gun down each and every intruder who dares even contemplate crossing our mine fields and our shark-infested moats. If such modest measures do not stem the tide of senseless slayings in our schools, it may then be time to step up this program of preparedness to include such measures as arming each student with a dozen hand grenades, issuing every student in America with a bulletproof vest, and the positioning of gun emplacements at every entry point of every school in America.

President Trump is to be congratulated on his magnificent sense of self-restraint in merely proposing the arming of a small percentage of America's teachers. I'm sure it was the mealy-mouthed, cravenly cowards of the media that forced him into an abject act of self-censorship, but I am equally convinced that it will not be long before the voices of reason convince him that Trump MUST Be Trump!

Filed under: Politics


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  • The school moat safety proposal won't fly unless you can figure out how private industry, with a 10% tax incentive will build it. That's what this doofus thinks is an infrastructure plan.

    He'll go along with the National Guard proposal, because the next time there is a government shutdown, he'll say our valiant troops protecting our precious schoolchildren are being abandoned.

    As it is, the Republican majority in the U.S. House says that the school shootings are a Dem. political plot.

  • It looks like Jack up there doesn't get the context of your suggestions.

    This president is an idiot and I've programmed my Xfinity control box to automatically mute the sound of his voice.. Otherwise, I would be asking myself why the President of the United States is spending so much time right now extolling the virtues of the NRA.

    Praise usually reserved for Vladimir Putin and Nazis.

  • In reply to Bob Abrams:

    I got the context of the statements and put them into the looney government context we have now, i.e. what an orange idiot would do with them.

    You can go over to The Quark in the Road to see what my opinion of the media is, in several recent comments. And I don't need to pay for any Xfinity box; I start with a safe station (such as CREATE or BUZZR), and when a news anchor says something about the insult to orangutans is coming up, hit the RECALL button on the remote. I also do that with most Illinois political ads, although, as I previously indicated, the Blago wiretap ones are interesting.

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