Ten Ways To Tell If Your Town is Really Boring


Your town is boring if  the grass watches you grow.

Your town is  boring if  the  traffic cop tickets himself for speeding.

Your  town is  boring if  the barn dance had to be cancelled due to arthritis.

Your town is  boring if the most interesting part of your house  is the bedpan.

Your  town is  boring if  happy hour consists of chugalugging Metamucil.

Your town is boring if the funeral parlor  is "The" place to meet singles.

Your town is boring if the park system consists of an abandoned coal mine.

Your town is boring if the last public works project was during the FDR administration.

Your town is boring if Main Street is the only street.

Your town is boring if the only dirty linen to gossip about is the dirty linen.

Filed under: city life, humor



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  • Your town is really boring (or small) if the only politician has to bribe himself to get something approved.

    Your village is really boring if the council has to debate whether to name a village square after a jailed mayor. Sorry, I forgot, that is your village is really Niles.

    They used to talk about "one traffic light towns," but what if the lamp is burned out?

    On the other hand, on the funeral parlor point, the inverse was illustrated in today's Tribune that funeral parlors are closing in Lakeview, besides the AIDS epidemic being somewhat controlled, by the more potentially dead moving to Park Ridge, which, since Hillary and Harrison Ford are no longer there, apparently has become much more boring.

  • In reply to jack:

    Funny stuff, Jack. And don't you have to like how the Trib writer opened her piece?

  • In reply to Aquinas wired:

    slight pun.

  • Another example of a boring place (unless you like dodging bullets, but you can do that in lots of places in Chicago) is this article on vacationing in Gary. Most of it is about Miller Beach, an enclave separated from the rest of the city. My understanding is that most of the people who I knew lived in Miller moved to Munster (south of 45th St.). But, at least Michael Jackson lived on Jackson St. when my sister knew him (some little kids playing music at an armory dance) and (as Homer Simpson and Dave Chapelle say) still was Black.

  • In reply to jack:

    "Don't believe everything you read in the newspaper." Good advice.

    Remember the song "Gary, Indiana" (Opie sang it in the movie) from "The Music Man"?

  • In reply to Aquinas wired:


    Gary is so bad that TRUMP sold his casino (home of a Miss USA pageant that had to bus its contestants to Chicago hotels) to the competing boat operator at the same dock. Had a lovely view of the cement plant and steel mills.

    At least Hammond, which now has a larger population than Gary (when I lived there Gary was twice as big), has the excitement of The Industrial Strip, just minutes from the casinos, so they advertise on The Score to make a night of it, and don't tell Barb.

  • Okay, you have perfectly described where I live. Was that the Aquinas Drone I saw overhead on Saturday?

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