Like most of us, when another birthday approaches, I tend to reflect. I’m coming up on my “quarter century club“ (crisis?!) 25th birthday, so obviously reflection is the name of the game. Since 2014 began, life in all aspects has started to take on a different form. Social circles have grown, perceptions and opinions have shifted, and opportunities have increased tenfold. Ready or not, the universe is definitely pushing me in ways I haven’t embarked on years, if at all. I’m so grateful for it all. With different paths glaring at me, anxiously awaiting my decision of which road to embark on, I must make decisions.
I’ve always lived in “methodical chaos,” if you will. Fly by the seat of my pants, spontaneous, living in a particular moment; it is this sense of childlike wonder that I’ve vowed to never let myself lose. Some may call this impulsive, immature, and even selfish at times. Maybe so, maybe so. It’s just always been imperative to me to get excited about stupid things, be goofy, laugh. There is a time and a place to be serious and experiencing everyday moments isn’t that place for me.
As unrestricted as I may be perceived though, I do always maintain a sense of order, even if only inside my head. I enjoy balance and structure, and thrive best from an orderly existence. This part of me clashes with my nonconformist personality trait. I may be the most laid back control freak you may know.
At first I found these different life directions immensely overwhelming; for it seems that the abundance of forks in front of me appeared recently overnight, with something urgently telling me to “Go now.” Life as I know it will not be the same, this is for certain. With my fingers numbing from a grasp wound so tightly as I latch onto my sense of control, it was only then that I realized the most important thing: I have no control. I never did.
I now understand that when I’ve “had control” in situations that I’ve forced my own way on, it’s pretty obvious those haven’t worked out in my favor. Pretty much ever. This has resulted in sadness and disappointment. If things typically turn out less than ideal when I’m trying to make them go a certain way, why not loosen the reins and see if things shift in a more desirable way? (When nothing goes right, go left. Duh.)
So instead of insisting on pushing my way past passengers abruptly trying to get in the driver’s seat, with no direction or functioning GPS, risking others’ lives in the process, I’ve decided to become a passenger myself; contently eating mixed nuts in the back of the bus, gazing out the window, listening to music and enjoying the ride. (I call back row, aisle seat.)
In situations where I will have never have any control over, I’ll be Rosa Parksing that situation. Standing up for what I believe in, but still being a passenger all the same. Doing no harm, but taking no shit. Let come what may, but when it comes to my goals and aspirations that I do have control over, I will run through brick walls to get what I want. I’ll chose directions based on what I instinctively feel is right for me, not letting impulsiveness or momentary lack of sober thoughts on a Saturday night chose this one. I always say how I strive to always evolve and learn, so this mid twenties confusion is no different than any other life lesson. Feeling overwhelmed and confused is all part of human existence. Remember: no pressure, no diamonds.
Obnoxious AND appropriate! (Had to)
Looking forward to joining the club, 25! Enjoy your weekend everyone!