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Posted Hey dude, would you like a side of sexism with that order? to RedEye
An Open Letter to the Gentlemen Who When Asked Last Week by a Waitress at a Wrigleyville Bar If They Wanted Guacamole or Sour Cream on Top of Their Nachos Replied, "We Want You on Top of the Nachos":Fellas, how...
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Posted Transformers, U.S. Senate are toying with me to RedEye
Have we discussed yet how everything's a piece of crap nowadays?...
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Posted An Open Letter to the Gentleman Who Stole My Wife's iPhone out of Her Hands on the CTA to RedEye
An Open Letter to the Gentleman Who Stole My Wife's iPhone out of Her Hands on the CTA:Congratulations on your new iPhone! I just know you're going to love it, as it's a fantastic device with an easy-to-use interface and...
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Posted Life is like an open inbox to RedEye
Here's how you know if you're in a long-term relationship destined to go the distance: You have access to your significant other's e-mail inbox--and it disgusts you.Too unruly, too tidy, too many messages from Tiger. Whichever the case, every glimpse...
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Posted We'll do anything for a free T-shirt to RedEye
LeBron got a t-shirt. Did you? (AP)On Tuesday against the Denver Nuggets, down by a point with less than a second remaining, the Bulls' Kirk Hinrich inbounded the ball to Brad Miller, who immediately hit a basket from the top...
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Posted Welcome to the now network to RedEye
It has come to my attention that the world is now moving very fast, so fast that by the time whichever news story, celebrity misbehavior or cultural phenomenon I've written about appears in the newspaper, people already will have moved...
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Posted Try this Olympic event: Not caring to RedEye
"I don't care."Those are three words you're best off avoiding as a columnist (other such words are "hopefully," "in my opinion" and "L. Ron Hubbard"). That's why the best columnists, like George Will, and the best columns, like the one...
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Posted A gift from these little 'Piggies' to RedEye
If you haven't heard lately from that friend of yours who is a huge Beatles fan, he's likely squirreled himself away to listen over and over again to the brand-new, incredible-sounding remastered versions of the band's albums. Or he's been...
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Posted When summer comes up short to RedEye
Years ago, I picked up a friend the day he graduated college to take him home. As we pulled out of his school's campus, he glanced back and, summing up his years there, remarked, "Well, that sucked."That's the way I...
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Posted I need Internet access now! to RedEye
By Mark BazerReading the news on my Web-enabled smartphone handset-free mobile device as I bumped along on the bus, I came upon a headline that posed a question of such gravity that my touch screen-touching finger went numb."Is Penelope Cruz...
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Posted Media's 'birther' feeding frenzy to RedEye
By Mark Bazer You've probably heard of the Obama "birther" story. If not, it goes like this. It turns out there are people in this country with a tenuous grip on reality but an insatiable desire for publicity. Now, you'd...
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Posted Life after the digital TV conversion to RedEye
When RedEye debuted, it was geared toward the 18-to-34-year-old demographic, and I fell solidly in that mix. Now, though, in my 80s (mug shot to be updated soon), it's hard for me to follow all the ways the paper has...
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Posted Batman controls the purse strings to RedEye
For those of you anxiously awaiting an update on the state of 4-year-olds in America, you've come to the right place. For those of you trying to figure a way out of this country's economic crisis, stick around too. There...
