Top Ten Mother's Day Wishes for an Insanity-Free Day

Top Ten Mother's Day Wishes for an Insanity-Free Day

1. To have the kids do something the first time I ask.

 Correction: I'd settle with having them do something the third or fourth time I ask.  It's usually when I get to the nineteenth time, coupled with bribes and threats, that they first look up and say, "What?  Did you ask me something?"

2. To have the kids put away their stuff when they walk in the door instead of flinging it everywhere.

Correction: Well, I guess I can deal with backpacks and coats everywhere, but could you just put your shoes away instead of leaving them in the middle of the hallway like random booby traps that send me sprawling.

3. To have just one car ride where the kids realize my only job is to safely drive, not to act as their DJ, not to fish around for snacks to throw into the far backseat, and certainly not to referee fights.

Correction: Fine, I'll be the DJ, and I'll toss snacks to them, but could we just have a car ride without any arguing?  Forget about it being illegal to drive while talking on the phone; it should be illegal to drive with kids in your car.

4. To have just one night where the three girls sleep all night in their own beds and I get to sleep all night in my bed.

Correction: Actually, I don't care where anyone sleeps.  Just give me five uninterrupted hours.  I'll sleep in the bathtub if need be.

5. To have one day where my five-year-old daughter doesn't hang action figures and Barbie dolls by their necks from the cords of my kitchen blinds, thus  greeting me with a bizarre and disturbing crime scene early in the morning that never fails to scare the shit out of me.

Correction: I could deal with it even if she only hangs the annoying dolls.  Please spare Superman and Obi Wan Kenobi.

6. To take a shower without three little faces staring at me around the shower curtain, as various toys and objects get hurled in my direction in an effort to get me to finish up more quickly.

Correction: Who am I kidding?  I'd like to merely take a shower.  A rare luxury.  Fine, the kids can stay and throw things at me.

7. To have enough time to cook and eat my own breakfast, instead of scavenging the remains of cold eggs and soggy cereal from my kids as we race out the door, late again.

Correction: Or at least, let me make breakfast just one time for everyone, instead of making a first breakfast for everyone at 6:00am and then a second breakfast for two hours later, just as I have finally finished cleaning up from the first shift. 

8. To make just one phone call where the kids don’t start to scream the second I pick up the phone, thus obliterating my ability to hear anything anyway.

Correction.  Can I simply have my phone to myself, instead of needing to pry it out of the hands of my howling toddler, who views  it as her greatest, most illicit toy?  I've tried hiding it from her, but then I can't remember where I hid it.

9. To use the bathroom in peace, without my toddler standing one inch from my face, trying to pry my legs apart to see if I am going pee or poo, and then announcing it loudly for the world to hear.  This is especially charming in public bathrooms.

Correction.  It would be gift enough to use the bathroom and simply find some remaining toilet paper on the roll. 

10. To have thirty minutes of quiet time to read one of the many unopened books that is calling out my name.

Correction.  To have thirty minutes free of worrying about the house, the meals, my work or my messages so that I can read to my three little girls, the light of my life, the greatest joy ever to grace my world with their snuggly presence. 

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Tags: Mother's Day

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  • Watch out for those shoes, Carrie! I broke my ankle tripping over one of them. I had a good laugh over this post (now that my ankle has healed). Happy Mother's Day

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