The Inmates Are Running the Asylum: 24 Hours of Stupid Decisions by my Kids
- Katie just started taking showers in our bathroom. This morning, after her first unsupervised self-washing, I stepped into my shower, flew into the air and landed on my ass. When I inquired why the bottom of the tub was so slippery, she replied, “Oh, yeah, I was pretending that I was skiing during my shower, but it wasn’t slippery enough, so I poured out that bottle of your (really good and incredibly expensive) shampoo to make it more fun.”
- While Katie was creating a deathtrap for me in my bathroom, I was bathing 4-yr-old Annie Rose and 1-yr-old Cleo in the kids’ tub. Right in front of me, Annie Rose stood up, picked up the baby and dropped her back into the tub. As the baby sputtered and aspirated, Annie Rose looked at me proudly and said, “She likes it when I do that. It’s fun.” Bath time’s over.
- As we were putting on pajamas, Annie Rose recreated the above game, this time on her bed, lifting up the baby and dropping her until she bounced off the edge of the bed onto the floor, even as I scrambled to catch her. “She loves it,” Annie Rose said. Damn it, she was right. Cleo was lying on the rug howling with laughter and signing “more, more.”
- I was cooking the third set of breakfasts before eight am when I noticed Annie Rose crawling through the kitchen, barking like a dog. Nothing unusual about that. Then I noticed Katie’s new scarf was tied around Annie Rose’s neck for a leash, and Katie was holding the other end. In another room.
- Annie Rose was unnaturally quiet in the basement for five minutes. She was sitting on the rug, trimming her nails. With the largest kitchen shears.
- Upstairs, I heard strange thumps coming from Katie’s room. I raced up to find her on the top bunk, trying to balance one of her stuffed animals on one of the blades of her ceiling fan as it rotated. “Watch, my dolphin will fly!” she said excitedly. Sure enough, she managed to get it on a blade and it went flying across the room with a little help from the fan. It was actually kind of cool. But incredibly stupid.
- I know, I know, you are thinking, what kind of operation is she running? We made it through the day, limbs and lungs intact. Clearly, I have FAILED as a neurotic Jewish mother. I need to spend less time getting them to say please and thank you and focus more on the obscure. Remember folks, normal around here is just a setting on the dryer.