“The GOP Tax Law cured my psoriasis” and other incredible miracles.

“The GOP Tax Law cured my psoriasis” and other incredible miracles.
St. Matthew, the Patron Saint of Accountants, delivering the GOP Tax Bill to Donald Trump.

Bucephalus Keaton of Pigeon Forge, Tennessee writes,

“I realize this might be hard for a Yankee writer like you to understand. By nature, Yankees are dense, but I don’t hold it against you too much if Jesus don’t.

“Anyways, I read your articles, and you seem not to like the Republicans and you’re  a damn traitor to the GOP. So I thought you should know before you go to Hell for your views, and tell you about the miracle the GOP did for me.

“I have this awful flaky psoriasis. It’s like I’m a walkin pile of dandruff only, now I’m healed. I got healed by the power of Jesus thanks to the Republican tax bill. I just don’t know how it happened. I saw Donald Trump signing that law on Fox News, and when he looked at the camera after signing it I know, he was looking right at me.

“I looked down at my arm, and the psoriasis disappeared. I can’t explain it, but I figure a fancy Yankee writer like you should be told about it so you can shut up.”

Well, I indeed am no one to question miraculous cures, but the GOP tax bill cured psoriasis? I have heard of some stranger things than this, but I cannot recall what they are and I might not have been sober when I heard them.

Journalists seek out the truth, so I called The Mayo Clinic to find out if they may have heard of such a medical cure.

I got one of the Mayo Doctors on the phone and read Mr. Keaton’s note to me. Taken by surprise, after a moment, he said to me, “What did you say your name is? We treat diseases of the skin here. They should have connected you to the mental health unit. You are nuts.”

I would have taken the Doctor’s word for it only more letters came pouring in. For instance, Delmont Davis of Houston, Texas also seems to have experienced something similar to Mr. Keaton. He writes.

“You stupid twerp pinhead writer dummy. I’m writing you Godless communist to tell you how wrong you are about Donald Trump and the tax bill.

“I had a drip I won’t give you details about it except to say I contracted from a woman with an unclean spirit in New Orleans. It was a fiery pain in my loins that just won’t go away no matter how much I prayed about it.

“I was sitting in agony and turned on Fox News to watch our real American President sign the tax bill into law. Wouldn’t you know it? As soon as he signed that legislation, the drip went away along with the putrid smell that went along with the discharge. When he signed it, he looked into the TV, and I knew he had touched me on that private place psychically, and I was healed.

“You need to repent and get on the Trump train for your own soul’s benefit.”

Under normal circumstances, I would have written this guy off as just a nut who caught something in a New Orleans bawdy house. Having been to Subic Bay, Philippines, I had empathy for him. So I decided to check it out.

I called Mayo Clinic again and spoke with the head of the Urology Department. I read Mr. Davis’ compelling note to me. The good Doctor had a few questions; he asked me, “Are you pulling my leg? You are asking me if a guy with a dose of something bad was healed by Donald Trump signing the tax bill into law?”

“Yes,” I replied, “he claims the tax bill cured his clap.” The Doctor paused, “So, Mr. Schneider, you took this guy seriously?”

“Well, as a Journalist it is my job to check out the story. I do not create the stories, I just try to find out the truth,” I replied.

The Doctor was silent for a moment, and then he said, “We treat urinary tract diseases and infections here. This unit is not a mental health unit which you and the author of that letter need badly. You are both nuts, stop wasting my time.”

I could have been down in the dumps, but then, a Facebook friend posted an article about Chrysler moving the Ram pickup production back to Michigan from Mexico. My friend claims it is due to the GOP tax bill. In Lee Iaccoca days, I represented Chrysler in Washington. For a time, they owned Gulfstream Business Jets, and I helped lobby a lease for several airplanes to the Navy as submarine hunters.

A guy who was my intern at Hill and Knowlton works there, so I gave him a call.

He was happy to hear from me. I told him about what my Facebook friend said claiming the Tax Bill is why they are moving back to Michigan. His laughter was almost uncontrolled.

“The tax bill? Hell, no, we are moving because we are afraid that lunatic is going to yank the USA out of NAFTA and that will kill the Truck line. Besides, the State of Michigan has been negotiating with us for a long time. The incentives for us to move don’t have one thing to do with the tax bill.

“Come on, Bob, you taught me to lobby. The ink is not dry on the tax bill. The Government won’t write the tax bill rules for another six months minimum. You know that.  It is a non-issue for us. What’s wrong with your friend, is he nuts? Saying the tax bill is why we are moving is as nuts as saying, I don’t know, that the tax bill clears psoriasis or cures the clap.

“It was great hearing from you, Bob, say hi to your kids for me.”

There you have it, folks. Without the rules published in the Federal Register, the tax bill is of no effect. There is nothing miraculous about it other than the level of stupidity people are reaching while watching clouds and imagining they see castles, dragons, and the tax bill affecting business overnight.

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