CPS Stops Kids From Going to Underfunded Schools By Closing Them Down

After many years of  being consistently asked for more funding, Chicago Public School officials finally heeded the calls of parents and teachers and, in an act of mercy, released a list of 129 underfunded schools they plan to close down in the next year. "No school is better than a bad school, right," chuckled a high-level Chicago bureaucrat.

The students' excitement upon hearing the news could barely be contained too. "If the new school is too far," Malik said, "I might not be able to go too often. My chances of escaping poverty are now razor-thin!" He then high-fived his special needs friend, who will struggle to find much needed Individualized Education Plans at the new charter school.

Teachers were also brimming with joy at the thought of applying to teach at the replacement charters that will allow them to continue their thankless work with less pay and benefits. "Personally," Ms. Jackson said, "I'm excited to get a lower-paying job that will require me to sell my house and move into an apartment, where I can become rent-burdened like the rest of Chicago. Only then will I become a good teacher." The sentiment was mutual amongst the 500+ teachers getting laid off before year's end.

Residential bad boy and gang member, 2Face, was particularly thrilled to hear the news of the school closings; "I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but we might get over 700 murders in 2013 with these school closings. Not to mention all the fresh meat we can harrass into buying drugs." 2Face then smiled, and started telling the story of when his school closed down.

Filed under: Education

Tags: Sarcasm, Satire, School Closings

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