5 lesser-known Chicago mayoral candidates.

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Chicago just needs a little fine-tunin' is all.

Ever since Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel looked deep into his heart (i.e. got bored; gave up) and decided not to seek a third term, the floodgates spewed forth and about a dozen fine, upstanding citizens flung their chapeaux into the Chicago mayoral ring.

Some are the usual suspects - yet Another Son of Boss, Bill Daley,  Toni-permed Toni Preckwinkle, Bad, Bad Dorothy Brown, "I'll Keep Running 'Til I Get It Right" Gery Chico and McMillionaire Willie Wilson.

A few others failed to obtain the required number of petition signatures (one guy had two top pages of real sigs and the other eight pages were a grocery list and stuff he wanted to see on Netflix).  Several others, even if gainfully employed (or in the Illinois state senate), have about as much chance as write-ins as Snoopy, Stormy Daniels or Vlad Putin.

But there are several other candidates who may have slid in under your radar:

Gianni "The Volcano" Vesuvias.  Originally from the old Italian neighborhood, over by there.  Currently working as a button man aide to 1st ward alderman Proco Joe Moreno III (I swear to the blessed virgin, that's his real name). The Volcano's primary duties include registering dead people to vote and shaking down live voters at the Jewels.  Over by there.

Dotty "Mad Hatter" Spillman.  Taking a page from the Book of (legendary former 3rd ward alderman Dorothy) Tillman, Spillman sports a loud mouth and revolving selection of comely hats, to divert attention from a complete lack of political acumen and education above the 10th grade level.  She is running hoping that weak-minded voters may hear her name and think they're actually voting for Tillman.

"Oh Danny Boy" Daniel Patrick Fitzpatrick.  A union steward from Bridgeport, lifelong White Sox fan and a thrice-recovering alcholic, Fitzpatrick is running on the "I'm Irish Through and Through" platform.  His shitck is handing out "Erin Go Bragh-less" t-shirts at the annual Southside Irish parade.  Hey, over by there, it still works.

Barbra Myra Shrekenridge.  Famous transgender activist from the near-north side, and a boffo Streisand impersonator at night.  Holds dual Master's degrees from University of Chicago, in Political Science and Gender Studies. This is the filly to beat. Hello, Gor-jus!

Israel Hope Rabinowitz-Hernandez.  Another famous activist, originally from Maxwell Street and now a proud Pilsener.  Half-Jewish, half-Hispanic, his potential to unite two seemingly-disparate voter blocs is limitless, particularly when he brings his famous Taco Knish Casserole to campaign events.  Has adopted the battle cry of, "Viva!  Oy!  I'm Your Boy!"


And there you have it.  Just remember to vote on February 26th.  Your polling place is somewhere near the Jewels, over by there.


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Filed under: politics

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  • Thank you for explaining these candidates in lay terms. I laughed my ass off. Who isn't running for mayor besides Rahm?

  • In reply to Very Terry:

    Well... you...me.... Ald. Ed "Oldest Con-To-Be" Burke ..... anyone with good sense ....

    Glad you enjoyed. Viva oy!

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