(OK - reference to Steely Dan song in post headline - √ check! Smart-ass attitude in place - √ check! Mock-incredulity at another year passed, locked and loaded - √ check! .... It's post time!)
Greetings, my babies, on this New Year's Eve-eve! I figured I'd try and catch you before you are plastered, or baked, or stuffed so full of sale surf-and-turf and cold duck from the Jewels that you can't undo your pants, let alone concentrate on an amusing post from we here on Planet M.
Hard to believe that 2018 nearly is history. As the Temptations once sang, we're a ball of confusion - one big blur of insane presidential Tweets, stock market rockin' and rollin', the revolving door at the White House spinning like a pinwheel, as staffers Trump no longer wishes to play with are jettisoned like airplane toilet waste. Political infighting and repositioning and the Democrats taking the House and Trump taking his ball and going home - i.e., shutting down the government in a fit of pique that his infamous wall still ain't a reality. He just can't get his Habitat for Inhumanity off the ground; imagine that.
... and the band played on. (Here's the whole Temps song - take a listen - it's a brilliant song and is as (sadly) relevant today as it was in 1969. Great googa-mooga!)
Last year at this time, I posted new year's resolutions for YOU, not me, so this time I felt obligated to let you all know how I plan to improve myself in 2019.
I give you - Planet Michelle's 2019 Intentions, aka Do You Believe In Resolution?
- I want to stop ogling. I still, however, might oogle on occasion.
- I vow to stop speeding in reverse.
- I promise not to laugh at man-buns, hipster beards, skinny suits and backpacks on 40-year-old men.
- I vow to quit porn. (Directing it, not watching it.)
- I need to learn more about The Cloud. Where is this cloud? How does it differ from other clouds? How does everything fit into one cloud? Does data fall out when it rains?
- This year, I will break my papaya habit. Also, my kumquat jones.
- I'd like to stop swearing. Fuck knows, I've tried.
- I really need to stop picturing everyone I see naked. It's made my work day really disturbing, not to mention church.
- I will stop dating guys with big shoes, big hands, large noses. I mean, how much disappointment can a girl take?
- I have to stop fantasizing about Vice President Pence.
- I will stop kissing people at stoplights.
- I need to stop stalking James Corden. (For an Englishman, he has a pretty quick temper when goosed in an elevator.)
- Speaking of elevators, I promise to stop farting on elevators. And also escalators.
- I will stop selling "Impeach Everyone!" buttons on E-Bay.
- I vow to finally get my MBA - Master's in Bordello Administration.
- I will open my medical marijuana clinic - called either That Joint Joint or High, Bud!
Seriously, my babies, a happy, healthy and safe New Year to you all. Respect yourself and play nice with the other mammals.
Thank you for reading! Please subscribe to Planet Michelle by entering your e-mail address in the space to the right. No spam ever, so no worries. (You can opt out at any time.)
You may comment below, or contact me old-school, at planetMichelle4u@gmail.com
Filed under: New Years