My old man always used to say that the world's gone mad. He died 10 years ago, and it's even more true today. Dad never would have believed that a smarmy reality-show guy now occupies the Oval Office, for example. Or have understood the ins and outs of Caitlyn Jenner (I'm not at all bothered by transgendering, BTW. It's her personality. GOD, she's annoying.)
But I sort of digress. Here are some things your faithful scribe just doesn't get:
Why Congress gets a summer break. Teachers earn their summers, attempting to educate our little cretins for nine months. But Congress? It's not like they're needed back at the homestead to chop cotton. Talk about your cush jobs! A decent wage ($174,000 per year, plus golden bennies), then glad-handing each other as they stuff their pockets with moola and swag and from some lobby's slush-fund, while enjoying boozy, comped dinners with whichever comely intern drew the short straw. I have to work a five-day week, so why don't they? They (allegedly) work for us! I'm sure there's more than one stay-at-home Congressional wife who dreads this call: "Ah'll be back in St. Lou on the 12th, honey. Did you take Junior to fat camp? And how's your diet comin'? Did you get the pool up? Love yew!"
The Electoral College. I'm a fairly intelligent junior-college dropout, and I've read all about the E.C. I still don't get it. Would somebody please explain to me exactly why millions of popular votes don't decide an election? And the process to become a collegian gives new meaning to the word "convoluted." Is there ANY function of our government simple and understandable by the average citizen? Washington could hamstring a two-man parade.
Those fakakta low-profile tires. I.e, flats waiting to happen. Plus, they're expensive. After you get stiffed on the price, I hear the ride is stiff, too. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of stiff - just not in auto suspension.
Anything Kardashian. If I'd have known that the world wanted to obsess over a bunch of busty, hirsute women with too much makeup and big asses, I had several aunts who'd have fit that bill perfectly. Enough with this hellish family already! (Of course, with Kim's recent coup in getting the sentence of Alice Johnson commuted - after shaking her money-maker at Trump in the Oval - she'll probably be named Ambassador to Florida or something, ensuring that we'll NEVER be rid of this clan. Everyday life is nearing satire more each day, my babies.)
Certain fruit. Kiwis (God's slimy mistake-fruit). Plantains (starchy, funky bruised bananas). Kumquats (award for the dirtiest-sounding fruit name).
Yup, Stormy Daniels has a perfume. For when you run low on "Common Street Whore." As to the name, they should have just gone with, "SERIOUSLY?" (Presumably, "Skank" was taken.)
People who don't like garlic. You fools! Garlic is a gift from the gods. So you have to hit the Listerine before you snog, so what? Garlic is worth any sacrifice. Plus - no vampires!
Fiber supplements. Just a head's up; nature has free fiber. It's called an apple.
Decaf. So you want the coffee experience, just not the good part (the buzz)? I'll bet you drink O'Doul's, too. For the love of God - whyyy? Have a real cuppa joe. Have a Heineken. I promise, you won't die.
Hating people who look different than you. Look in a mirror. You're not that great. In fact, you're probably kinda odd-looking - like the rest of us! So stop hating The Different. Just wait until our alien overlords get here - then you'll understand. Those little green fuckers hate everybody!
Thank you for reading! Now come orbit Planet Michelle! Just type in your e-mail address, over to the right and up, and you'll receive each post I pull from my little monkey brain. No spam or name-selling, ever.
In an old-school mood? Then e-mail me! - planetMichelle4u@gmail.com
Filed under: humor