Dear Annoying People,
Hello! Michelle from the Planet Michelle blog here. You know; that hilarious blog brought to you courtesy of ChicagoNow.com? Whattya mean, you've never heard of it? I've been busting my wordsmith-cojones here for nearly three years! Remember that cool post I recently did on late, great, Chicago guitarist Terry Kath? How about my killer post from the night our national disgrace, Donald Trump, was elected President?
Anything yet? No?
Congratulations! You just made it to onto my "Annoying People" list.
The great Richard Pryor used to say that it was senseless to berate yourself, because every day when you leave the house, there's some MF out there, ready to do it for you.
Rich was talking about Annoying People.
Annoying People come in many permutations. A few examples:
Those Who Talk But Never Listen.
Those Who Never Get Jokes.
Experts on Absolutely Everything, Especially Things Medical.
Morons Who Tell Racist or Misogynistic Jokes and Expect Us To Laugh.
People Who Took Driver's Ed From Satan.
People Who Exalt Their Children's Every Fart & Burp.
"Children" Who Still Live At Home In Their 30s.
People Who Yank Hard On Their Dog's Leashes When They Walk Them.
People Who Think That Their Religion is the Only One.
Allegedly-Professional Media People Who Mispronounce Everything.
All Kardashians and Jenners.
You get the idea.
Two important things about annoying people. A) I don't now how, but you may not know that you're annoying, and B) being un-annoying is a learned skill, like being good in bed. Anyone can become a star in the sheets or un-annoying if they really want to.
Let's address A) first. If you don't know that you're annoying, how can you stop being annoying? It's our moral and civic duty to tell you! We may say it in a kindly manner; "Bob, you are exceedingly annoying." Or perhaps in a more spirited way - "Jesus, Bob! You're the most fucking annoying person in Illinois and you get on my nerve endings every fucking time we meet!"
Either way, now you know. Our obligation ends and yours begins.
You. Must. Change.
Change is good. Scary, unfamiliar, yes, but good. When you become less annoying, you will notice fewer side-eyes shot in your direction, fewer eye-rolls as you blather forth. Outright mockery of you will lessen and people may even stop making unseemly gestures behind your back, such as putting a finger down their throat in the universal "you make me puke" sign. People may even stop fleeing the room when they see you coming. Wouldn't that be nice?
Just how do you become less annoying? Well, it varies by case, but always involves educating yourself. You can do it! A few hints to overcome common annoyances:
- Unless you hold a medical degree and current license, do not opine on someone's illness or worse, diagnose them.
- No one likes to be asked if they've gained weight. Even if it's obvious or if their ass has just broken a chair. Refrain from commenting.
- Corollary: Never ask a woman if she is pregnant. She may just have eaten Bavarian food for lunch.
- Never ask, "Is that your natural hair color?" It isn't. Even if it's a guy.
- Do not drive like a schmuck.
- When someone speaks to you, look them in the eye and pay attention. Nod as they continue. Speak only after they are through. This is called conversation.
- Never treat waitstaff like shit. At the very least, you will be avoiding bodily fluids being mixed into your bouillabaisse.
- If you smoke, don't do it in a person's home or automobile unless given express permission. Or how about just quit? Those two airbags in your thoracic cavity will thank you.
- Take classes on our language, especially spelling and pronounciation. No one is born knowing this stuff, but contrary to popular belief, ignorance is not bliss. It's tacky. We live in a society. Partake and contribute.
- Do not cut your toenails anyplace but at your personal residence.
- Treat your pets well. They love you unconditionally, so feed them proper food, pet and make much of them. They ain't here forever. Give them a good life. God likes that; just sayin'.
- Have a heart, have compassion, have empathy. (You can learn what these things are in language class.) When you honor others, you honor yourself. Yes, really!
Now go forth, build upon the above and stop annoying me!
(P.S. I have recently learned of an exclusive, adult nocturnal-activity educational clinic of which I may or may not be the headmistress. Further info upon request; extra credit if you hail from the UK.)
Thank you for reading! Now come orbit Planet Michelle! Just type in your e-mail address, over to the right and up, and you'll receive each post I pull from my little monkey brain. No spam or name-selling, ever.
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Filed under: humor