Yesterday, in a widely-publicized press conference, Kayla Moore, wife of Alabama's Republican US Senate candidate Roy Moore, maintained that it was impossible for them to dislike Jews, as "one of our attorneys is a Jew."
Mrs. Moore blathered on that they knew at least a dozen other actual or suspected Jews.
The backlash from the Alabama Jewish community was swift and widespread.
"She said whatnow?" said Morris Winehouse, owner of Birmingham's only 3-star restaurant, The Gilded Knish. "She and that schlemiel husband of hers came into my restaurant about two months ago, with some fakakta campaign materials. They were seated for dinner, and the Mrs. asked to see the gentile menu. I told her there wasn't one, and she said, 'Well, bless your heart - then I'll just have some of that matzy-ball soup I've heard so much about!' We brought her a bowl of our finest - she ate around the matzo balls while her husband ogled my waitstaff. But no, I don't know them. Frankly, I hope they never come back. Oy."
Amy Kitzman, owner of Tuscaloosa's popular "God, It's Hot In Here!" Bikram yoga studio, had a similar story. "The wife - Keely or whatever her name is - came trotting in here one day and says to me, 'Hello, darlin' - is this where all the Jewish ladies come to sweat in the gold lamé yoga pants?' I just looked at her as she went on. 'My husband, Roy, is running for US Senate, and we thought it would be fun to court the Jewish vote. So here are some 'Wipe Down With Roy Moore!' moist towelettes to pass out to the girls as they come out of the sha-vitz. Bless your heart!' So no, I don't know her. She's just some politician's bimbo wife. And she could stand to sweat off a few herself, let me tell you."
The story was the same all over Alabama. Rabbi Hankel Williams of congregation Bar-El Streisand in Montgomery spat angrily on the ground and spewed epithets when asked about the Moores. "Fa! Pft! Those two! They sauntered in here on the Sabbath with their little pamphlets, with Roy asking if they could pass them out after 'you're done singing your little Hebrew ditties.' I was wishing we had a wailing wall so I could crack his head against it."
Last was the Moores' visit to a Hebrew schul in Huntsville. As third graders read from the Torah, Kayla ordered some Jimmy Choos on her I-Phone as her husband leered at the teacher. One of the children was heard to ask another, "Yo, Alan - why is that man looking at teacher's boobies?"
If the Alabama Jewish community has anything to say about it, Roy Moore will be lucky to be hired as a lox-slicer at BagelNosh.
Bless his heart.
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