To my fellow Whatever-Americans -
It has come to our attention that there are too many divisive terms and phrases for the citizens of our great land, not the least of which are "black" and "white," both which have become increasingly politically-incorrect and incendiary.
We all know that, as Americans, we must be 110% politically correct at all times; logic, reason and intent be damned. This is America, and no one must be offended, ever, for any reason, on or between Her shores.
As such, the time is right for Black and White to take flight.
The following changes, therefore, are proposed.
The White House will be renamed The Rainbow Residence.
There no longer will be black or white citizens in the U.S. (or Hispanic or any other racial/ethnic designation). Every citizen is now, simply, a Human American. If, for some reason, you still feel the need to further categorize a Human American, you may use "Dark person," "Pale person," "Dude who loves Italian food," "Chick who's a great salsa dancer," "Orange guy in the Rainbow Residence," etc., but ONLY in the privacy of your own home.
The following words/phrases will be outlawed: That was white of you. White lie. Like white on rice. White knights. White nights. Whitewash. Whitehead. Whitening. White sale. White as the driven snow.
Also verboten: Blacklist(ed). Blackball(ed). Blackhead. Blackened (as in catfish). Black coffee. Blackout. Black bean soup. Black Forest cake. And, God forbid - Black As The Ace Of Spades.
The following songs are now prohibited, including in karaoke usage: White Christmas. White Wedding. White Room. White Rabbit. Whiter Shade of Pale. Anything by the band Whitesnake. Anything by the band Black Sabbath. Black Hole Sun. Fade to Black. Black Dog. Black Cow. Back in Black. Black Magic Woman. Oh Black Betty (ram-ba-lam). And, of course, Black is Black (I Want My Baby Back).
Many towns and prefactures will have to be renamed, such as: White Sands, NM, The Black Hills of South Dakota, White Plains, NY, White, GA, Black, AL, Whitewater, WI, Blackfoot, ID, Black Jack, MO. (Note: the town of Blue Ball, PA is also up for an upgrade, due not to offense but to its cring-inducing ability, especially to male Human Americans.)
You still may purchase white paint, but it now must go by one of these names: Cloud, Kleenex, Clorox, Cottontail. Correspondingly, black paint will now be called Night, Midnight or Goth. (Why you want a black room is totally your affair - and something tells us that "affair" pretty much covers it. But we digress.)
Johnnie Walker Black will be called Johnny Walker High-Test. There will be no more drinks such as White Russians, Black Russians or Black Cows. Chocolate milk, white milk and the colored milk left after a bowl of tootie-frootie cereal are still allowed, in deference to The Children.
And so we move on from seeing America in terms of black and white. But misanthropes, don't despair. We still have the giant chasm between the sexes, religion, political affiliation, food tastes, young vs. old, your sports team vs. their sports team and pizza topping preferences to divide us.
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