OK, we're all adults here, and I think we can enjoy a frank and dignified discussion about sex. Without overt titillation or entering into the realm of the prurient.
(You there, over in the corner. I see you. Stop laughing at "titillation.")
After all, Planet Michelle was founded on a platform of humor, music and especially, passion. And it's been far too long since passion's been the thrust of a post. So, my babies, here's a stiff shot of advice to gain a firmer hold on your love life.
Planet Michelle's 6-Ways-to-Sunday Guide to Super-Fun Sex:
Monday: Incorporate the room. I.e., creative implementation of furniture, doors and fixtures. Divan-as-diving-board. Finally understanding why it's called a "love seat." Locking the door for that special "Captives Night In," complete with key hidden on your person. Especially useful are ceiling fans, sconces and chandeliers. You Jane, Me Tarzan (Him, plaster repair guy).
Tuesday: Creative use of toys. Lincoln Logs. Erector sets. Gumby. Pokey! Balls! (Note: dolls and stuffed toys are not recommended. You will long-remember being eyeballed by My Little Pony, a Berenstain Bear or a Steiff giraffe while in the throes of passion.)
Wednesday: Use of rooms other than the bedroom. In this enlightened sexual era, by now we've all canoodled in the kitchen or lusted in the laundry room. But how about the attic, the crawlspace, the pantry, the root cellar or the garage? Snug, cozy and private - at least until your live-in mother-in-law comes toddling in for a bag of onions or your kid comes home with the car. Keep your clothing close by - you might even want to practice getting re-dressed with a stopwatch before any actual getting-it-on occurs.
Thursday: They're called strip malls for a reason. And half the stores sell mattresses! Bed, Bath & Beyond, Mattress World, Mattress Junction, Mattresses-R-Us. La-Z-Boy, even. Just walk in, find a corner, get prone and get funky. (Depending on local decency ordinances, you might want to bring a moon blanket or tarpaulin to conceal your
shame depravity activity.)
Friday: Join the modern-day Underground Railroad. If people can do it on planes (the so-called "Mile High Club"), you can do it on the subway. Remember Risky Business? (I'm bettin' your husband does!) It's a great way to get the car to yourself. Or perhaps not.
Saturday: Find an auto show. Remember your youth, when you steamed the windows of the ol' Toyota Hilton? Well, here's your chance to mingle in a Maybach. Some of these cars are more cush than your bed chamber. And the amenities - moon roofs, twinkle lights, bidets, little refrigerators, from which you can sip a perfectly-temped Veuve Clicquot, while your chassis revs up for the next lap.
And on Sunday, you rest. Because if you've faithfully followed this guide - you're gonna sleep until work on Monday morning!
(Here is my take on erectile dysfunction commercials, none of which use the song "Up Up and Away" as a theme, which may have improved them.)
Thanks for reading, you sexy thang - now come orbit Planet Michelle! Just type in your e-mail address, over to the right and up, and you'll receive each post I pull from my little monkey brain. No spam or name-selling, ever. My magnetic field awaits you!
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