12 signs that you might need a new job

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Live long enough and you realize that most jobs are merde (shit, for you non-Spanish-speakers).

Unless you are extricating babies from burning buildings, extricating babies from mothers, tending bar, or are a Special Prosecutor investigating a lackwitted presidential administration, your job probably isn't that great.

Most of us go to work every day just to keep food on the roof and a table over our heads (I probably should lighten up on the medical marijuana).  As Blind Lime Harrison sang in the 1932 blues classic, Shit for Brains: 

Can't make my rent, 'cause I got no pay / Ain't had no food in 9 and one-half days / It might be 'cause I'm lazy and got shit for brains.
© Sad-AssMusic

ANYhoo, to recap, most of us hate our jobs and we work only because we have to.  We find something to amuse ourselves after-hours and on we slog.

Recently, however, noted scienticians identified 12 specific signs that  indicate you might need to re-think your day-gig:

  1. You wake up sobbing, in the fetal position.  And it's Sunday.  And you're on vacation.
  2. You give yourself pep-talks in the shower.  "I am good at my job.  I am valuable.  I am capable.  Just for today, I won't be rude, insubordinate or trip anyone in the hallway."
  3. As your work phone rings, you weep silently at your desk, until your boss walks over and says, "HOW ABOUT ANSWERING THE PHONE, SHITHEAD?"
  4. You spend your lunch hour wondering if you could survive women's prison, because you are going to kill all of your co-workers as soon as you get back to the office.
  5. You have someone call in for you, saying you are lost-at-sea.
  6. You don't come back from lunch.  Because you are in your car at a local park, trying to strangle yourself with your brassiere.
  7. Singing any part of the Peter Cetera catalog out loud, extra points if while driving and sobbing.  "I AM THE MAAAN WHO WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR HONOR ….."Peter Cetera Senior Year 1962 Mendel Catholic High School, Chicago, IL Credit: Seth Poppel/Yearbook Library
  8. Craving odd meals.  Like farfalle and peas with heroin pesto.
  9. Inability to not mock your co-workers.  To their faces.  Using giant eye-rolls, loud bodily noises and insulting nicknames.
  10. You steal the company checkbook and start writing checks signed "Anita Newjob."
  11. You fantasize about being Moe Howard, so you can clunk your co-workers' heads together.
  12. You sing entire TV sitcom themes at your desk.  Mr. Ed.  The Flintstones.  God forbid, The Patty Duke Show (a hot dog makes her lose control?  What's up with that?)

Good luck in your job search.  I'm off to the park.


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Cetera say, "Come orbit Planet Michelle!  Oooo-Oooo!  If you know what's good for you! Oooo-Ooo! Just type your e-mail in, and give my girl a spin! Ooo-ooo mama!  It's a win-win!"  Can't argue wid dat, mah babies!  So do like Cetera say!  No spam-ola or other bummers, ever.

(Or e-mail me old-school: planetMichelle4u@gmail.com

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  • Good points. If you don't love your job, your time there will be limited or worse, you cope but lose your sanity in the process. Granted we all have bad days and parts of our job we don't like but yeah, if you feel that way all of the time, time for a change.

    And now that God-awful "Glory of Love" song is stuck in my head now :)

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    In reply to MBA Mom:

    Yeah!! What is with this Peter Cetera obsession? His ballads along with Terry Kath playing with a gun ruined a great band.

  • I love goofy names like Anita Newjob. When I was teaching HS French some kids snuck into the French Club and French Honor Society pictures. When the Yearbook gave me a copy so I could identify all the pics I was so mad I could barely breathe. All of us language nerds were so incensed that I let my students identify them with fake names like that. We laughed like the goofballs we were and felt much better. The yearbook even published them and we laughed even harder.
    Your post brought back this fun memory and I am snort laughing!

  • In reply to Kathy Mathews:

    Glad you snorted! But you must disclose at least some of the names, rapidement!

  • I always say that unless you are working on the cure for cancer, or cold fusion, nothing you do in Corporate America makes any difference.

  • I worked for a giant, national corp for 20 years, then got sacked with 120 of my closest friends in a mass pogrom. Since then, I've worked for several small, private firms - and you're right, it's all the same. We're all replaceable and of little consequence. I'm convinced that self-employment is the way to go, if you can pull it off. Whaddya gonna do, fire yourself?!

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