We here on Planet Michelle sometimes can predict the future.
And it ain’t even that difficult, my babies, especially with a goofball candidate like the simian-coiffed Donald Trump.
I give you: The Trump Administration - The First 100 Days.
Inauguration Day - January 20th , 2017:
The Obamas lead the Trumps on the traditional last schlep through the White House and make their good-byes. White House staffers weep softly in the background, because 10 minutes earlier, the President-Elect had gathered 140 of them into the Rose Garden and yelled, “You’re Fired!” The rest sob because they weren’t fired.
As Michelle Obama warns the moving guys yet again not to damage her Bowflex TreadClimber, President Obama prepares to board Marine One for the last time. He gives a final salute, then does the sign of the cross, which is weird, since he’s not Catholic. Not a good sign.
Before leaving for the inauguration, President-Elect Trump re-christens the White House, “The Trump Gilded High Palace.” Melania Trump, confused, just keeps calling it, “Mar-a-Lago North.”
The Trump motorcade makes its way to the Capitol, amidst a few hundred cheering lackwits, and several hundred thousand sane citizens collectively making the Archie Bunker “raspberry” noise with their mouths, while putting their thumbs to their noses and wiggling their fingers.
The President-Elect arrives and takes his place on the dais. Poet Laureate Hiya Angelou (Maya’s niece) recites a stirring piece on isolationism and the evils of immigration, while Auntie Maya spins in her grave. The United States Air Force band plays a rousing version of “For The Love Of Money,” as Kid Rock gyrates and Ted Nugent plays air guitar next to the President-Elect.
Trump then is sworn in, and shockingly, his inaugural speech is the shortest on record, consisting of only three sentences: “My fellow Americans. Here’s the deal. I’m the President now, and it’s gonna be UUUUUUUUUUGE!”
The following morning, all other members of the G7 and the entire United Nations resign, UK Prime Minister David Cameron, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Francois Hollande call in sick, and Congress convenes to impeach.
Ensuing Three Months:
President Trump proposes four new Cabinet posts: Secretary of Social Media (who else? Kim Kardashian-West), Secretary of Fast Food (New Jersey Governor Chris Christie), Secretary of Casinos (Trump's brother-in-law, Drago) and Secretary of Interior Decorating (that fussy Tim guy from America’s Top Model). Congress calls bullshit on all four, as several of the Founding Fathers begin haunting the congressional hallways, visibly concerned.
Congress kills Trump’s Let’s Wall-Off Mexico Act, having been informed by the Army Corps of Engineers that building it was a physical impossibility, in addition to being really, really stupid. Trump, undeterred, vows to personally fund the project, and hires the NYC construction firm of Nunzio & Sons to handle the job. Company head “Fettucine” Alfredo Nunzio tells Trump the job should take only 10 to 14 years and come in just under $293 billion. Trump reverses his position the next day, saying that he wouldn’t think of insulting the fine Mexican people, causing a resounding cry of “Horse-shit!” from Mexicans and Mexican-Americans alike.
President Trump’s first State of the Union address is boycotted by LGBT-America, the NAACP, the National Organization for Women, the American Jewish Committee, Planned Parenthood, Americans With Good Sense, The American Toupee Council, People Who Didn’t Vote But Wish They Had, Americans Against Morons, the Defeat Trump in 2020 Coalition, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, who said, “I tried, but I can't, I just can't!"
Trump’s first 100 days end with a trip to visit Russian President Vladimir Putin, who hides in his bathroom until Trump leaves. Trump changes course and attempts to see Cuban President Raul Castro, who claims prostate trouble and sends an aide to apologize.
Planet Michelle wants YOU, baby! Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time. But why mess up the good thing we'll have going?
Feeling chatty? Call the Planet Michelle Hotline and lay it on me: 1-331-703-6423.
Or, go old-school and E-mail me; whatever tickles your knickers: planetMichelle4u@gmail.com