Oscars and Grouches

Oscar time has rolled upon us, with nominations announced today. I love the oscars, even when I feel like certain people have been overlooked or forgotten. This year, there are quite a few I'm excited about. Notably, Chiwetel Ejiofor deserves everything he's got coming to him - he's captivated the likes of me since I saw Dirty Pretty Things several years ago.

Interesting that Oscar season lights me up the way it does. I've never been big on awards or competition. As a kid, I received exactly one trophy, and it was one of those "_____ Participated!" trophies (thank you, 1984 Merrimack Park hockey league).

Over the course of my career(s), I've had the opportunity to put myself up for award consideration, but never did. Ironically, more than one of my bosses eventually put themselves up for awards based on the work my team and I contributed. That's the interesting thing about professional awards: it's a lot like an election. Someone looks at an award category presented by the Public Relations Society of America, or the Business Marketing Association, says out loud to no one in particular, "Hey, maybe I deserve that!" and submits their campaign for approval with a requisite fee.

Professionals thrive on this sort of thing. Public Relations Directors salivate over Silver Anvil awards while advertising agencies will slit throats merely for a CLIO nomination. I've heard stories that David Ogilvy personally dispatched sixteen unwed mothers with a tapioca bomb in an effort to impress the ADDY judges. These are, of course, unsubstantiated and most likely the booze-addled meanderings of a diseased mind.

I've never craved awards, although I do thrive on the recognition of my peers. At the end of the day, though, I don't want a statue or a plaque or a writeup - I want a catalogue of work that anyone can look at and say, "Well isn't that something!" My trophy is my own product, which is probably just another manifestation of narcissism. Perhaps a peer-reviewed award or two might just make my life easier, but I just can't bring myself to push for that sort of thing.

I have, however, created a list of 10 awards, were they offered, I would gladly compete for:

  1. Most Dedicated Grumpus
  2. Messiest Hair
  3. Most Consistently Unkempt Beard
  4. Worst Attitude toward Life, the Universe, and Everything
  5. Grouchiest Eater
  6. Smartest Dumb Person
  7. Lackluster Followthrough on a project, manuscript, web series, or cartoon strip
  8. Strangest Wardrobe
  9. Oldest Underpants
  10. Shortest Attention Span

Here's to the 2014 Oscars, ladies and gentlemen!

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