Top 3 Office Inner Monologue Moments

Thursday can frequently be the locus of frustration. It's the fourth day, preceded by three days full of futility and frustration, even in a good job. It's the day that forces self-reflection, soul searching, and occasional private weeping. Luckily, it all results in Friday, every single week, and Friday kicks ass.

Here's a sample list of my top 3 Office Inner Monologue Moments from Thursdays over the course of the last decade:

1. In a meeting invitation, I wrote, "Define reporting parameters and project deliverables" as the description. After sending, I read my inbox notification, re-read that language, and realized: I am become death, the destroyer of worlds. I'm speaking their language now. Don't let it happen to you. Run. Run while you still can.

2. Received an email from the Director of Aggression and Arrogance in response to entering a project into review. Standard language for this sort of thing includes a disclaimer that reads, "Non-response will be treated as approval upon deadline." His message: "Non-response is not the same thing as approval. IS THAT CLEAR? AM I UNDERSTOOD?" The caps-lock is probably what threw me. Removing my hands from the keyboard, lest I get sloppy with my sending finger, my mind offered, Personalities like yours are the hemlock that murders efficiency, productivity, and creativity. And also helpless infants.

3. During a discovery meeting for a large-scale project, the Counterproductivity Executive Officer provided a list of desired outcomes that were in direct conflict with the goals of the project, and would result in a sub-standard client experience. Mistakenly, I asked the question, "Why are we doing this, then? Because we'd be spending a lot of money and a lot of energy to build a system which provides no improvement in service, or reasonable value to the user or the organization." That probably should've been an inner dialogue moment. Instead, when later I was receiving a formal reprimand, the inner dialogue was, Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

Inner monologue, what a beautiful thing. You ever feel like sometimes you need to get out of your head a little? Yeah, me neither.

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