Tomorrow is my birthday. Today, I am 36. Tomorrow, I will proclaim to all that I am 41. No, not 31. 41. I am intentionally lying about my age and adding 4 years starting tomorrow. Why? My answer is simple really. Unless you look like Christie Brinkley at 60 on the cover of People Magazine, you should NEVER lie about your age and claim you are younger than you actually are. If you are going to lie about your age, always lie and say you are OLDER!
My birthday is tomorrow. I've known about it for awhile now. It's a funny little thing which always seems to happen around this time of year, every year. It's not a decade milestone birthday nor a birthday in which I finally get to do anything I couldn't have done previously. I've voted, gambled and bought alcohol for decades. I've been legally old enough to serve as commander in chief for a couple of years. I thought the only thing I had left to look forward to was the day my AARP card came in the mail, and I could finally eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. without judgement. While tomorrow may seem like simply another birthday, I've decided to make it a special one.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and the first day I will lie about my age.
I never thought I would ever lie about my age. To me age has always been just a number, and I measured my age by how I felt, how much medication I was taking and how easily my jeans zipped each day. I should add that it's also very easy to not worry about your age when you're younger than 75% of your peer group, which I define as the parents of your kids' friends.
The stress of the last year's divorce and drastic life change has taken its toll on me:
- I'm 20 lbs heavier, yet too cheap to buy a new wardrobe so I invested in more Spanx undergarments and stuff my soft, doughy center into my size 4's and 6's.
- Lack of sleep is a constant now and there is no magical concealer to hide my under eye circles.
- The only thing that a year's worth of stress, drama, bickering and betrayal has given me is more gray hairs and forehead wrinkles.
- After each shower, I still scoop clumps of hair, hamster size from the drain. Stress is a bitch.
While I'm finally on the other side of the divorce and I've started fully embracing my new life, I can't ignore what the mirror reveals: more wrinkles, more gray hairs, more flesh and less hair. For a woman still in her 30's, I look as tired, haggard, old. Yet, I still have enough remnants of my once-youthful glow to pass for an okay 40. For those of you considering lying about your age, here is a handy, little guide.
How to Lie about Your Age:
1. Always Add/Never Subtract - When picking your new age (more on that below), always add years to your current age. Even if you do in fact look 20+ years younger than your actual age like Christie Brinkley does, you have no idea how you will age in the future. What if your actual calender age of 60 catches up to you in the next couple of years yet you've been telling people you were 40? You'd either have to fess up to your deceit or instantly go from hot to not. No one wants that kind of cringe-worthy ego blow.
Sure, it may take awhile to overcome the grimace and initial cringe which comes with adding years to your age, but it will be worth it each time you hear people tell you how fabulous you look for your older, fake age.
2. Pick a believable, realistic older age - After you make the initial decision to lie about your age and you receive your first enthusiastic, "Wow! You're 50! You don't look a day over 40!" it may be tempting to expand your lie and add even more years. Don't do it. Add your additional years and stick with it. Your lie needs to be believable for the most impact. Also, never pick a milestone age (40, 50, 60, etc.) to begin your deceit.
- If you're in your 30's, I recommend adding within 5 years of your actual years, depending on your weight. If you're face is fuller and you're a little chubby or squishy, you probably don't have many deep, visible wrinkles and won't be able to get away with more than 5 years. If you're face is thinner with prominent bone structure, you can add up to 10 years to your age.
- If you're in your 40's, you can add up to 10 years to your age. Before picking your new advanced age, compare yourself to your friends. If they all still look fabulous while you look less than, go ahead and add the full 10 - or a couple more. If you are the hot one in your group, consider getting new friends or only aging yourself 3-4 years.
- If you're in your 50's and 60's, you can add up to 15 years to your age. Pay special attention to your skin and compare it to the skin tone and elasticity of your friends, especially the neck and upper arms. If your skin is still relatively taut and smooth, you may only be able to add 8 - 10 years.
- If you're in your 70's and older, I give you complete permission to do whatever you want!
3. Prepare for the lie - Lying about anything is a very tricky balancing act. You need mad lying skills, especially if you are a novice yarn-spinner. Practice by telling little lies first before attempting to lie about your age. Lie to your friend about her new haircut. Lie to your significant other about where the location of their favorite shirt, especially if it's one you conveniently hate and have wanted to burn since the day he bought it. Lie to your kids about what ingredients are really in the new stew. Lie to your boss and take a "sick" day.
Note: When you feel prepared to lie about your age, make sure all visible signs of your actual age have been removed, especially from social media sites like Facebook.
4. Be careful when/how you introduce your new age - Begin the introduction of your new age slowly. Start by casually mentioning it to strangers or those you don't know well. The best way to do this is via reply to a compliment. Example: Someone compliments your hot, new shoes. You reply "Oh, thank you! I'm never sure if at my age (lower your voice to a whisper) of 64, it is still appropriate to wear thigh-high hooker boots." Smile and wait for the compliments to begin!
After you've successfully used your new, older age and feel comfortable with it, expand your lie and share it with the others around you.
Always remember to take extra care and NEVER mention it around your family or those other unfortunate souls who attended school with you. While they love you and all of your crazy, they will bust your ass every time! And if your good friends are anything like mine, they will bust you in the most public way possible and never let you hear the end of it. If you are as blessed as I am with the best group of bitches in the world, getting older really isn't all that bad either.
Special thanks to all of my wonderful friends and family! I would be lost and miserable without you. You've been the glue which has held me together this past year. 36 sucked, but I know that 37 (or 41) will be amazing with you at my side!
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