In 2 hours, I'm going back to school. My first class starts tonight in some idyllic land called Sugar Grove. Sugar Grove, a place I've never been and really didn't even believe it existed until I actually looked it up a couple of minutes ago. Sugar Grove, a Candy Land destination, a place where my new life begins.
I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't scared. I am. I'm so terrified that in between my frequent trips to the toilet courtesy of my nervous stomach, I've been pounding sugar cereal and coffee.
I'm down a box of Fruit Loops and half a box of Chocolate Frosted Flakes, the top button of my jeans won't fasten and my breath is so stale that my dog just backed away from my kiss.
I started the morning filled with thoughts of sunshine and rainbows and puppy noses and shit. Then, I caught sight of my gray roots and overgrown eyebrows, yet two more items on my to-do list I hadn't done yet this week. The full weight of my day, this day, hit me and doubt clouded my rational judgment.
So, I googled "Going back to school tips for adults" and a ton of information popped on my screen. I panicked some more. I should've studied for this day. I should've made a list and bought some handy-dandy organizing supplies or a new notebook or something which would make me look prepared. I really should've had my 'brows waxed at the very least.
My head hurt. My eyes teared and I ran to the toilet.
I made an executive decision: As it was clearly too late to master the role of professional student and establish myself as teacher's pet, I would instead dazzle my fellow classmates, my peeps, my brahs with my awesomeness. It was time to invade my teenage daughter's room for a quick lesson. I stole a couple of issues of Teen Vogue and Seventeen magazines from her desk, stuffed them under my shirt and bolted from her room. Sure, no one was home at the time and I really didn't have to stuff them under my shirt or run from her room, but I did. #YOLO
Did you catch that, fam? I swiped 3 magazines. Oh, yes, I did! (Well, kinda. I mean I technically just borrowed them without asking. I returned them after I used them, but for a couple of hours I stole those suckers.)
Three hours later, I finished. Sure, I felt 100 years older than when I began flipping through the magazines. However, I learned that 39% of dudes send raunchy pics and that if I receive one it's because the dude wants me to reciprocate, that if I want a romantic glow I can wear pink on my lips and my cheeks and tips on how to look perfect in every selfie! (Was I ever that young? That naive? That insecure? Oh, wait. I'm the old lady whose stealing teen magazines from my kid and wasting 3 hours reading them.)
During another vicious bout of bathroom ick, I got what I thought was a brilliant idea: I should learn how to twerk. So, I searched youtube. For another hour.
Convinced I was born to twerk and somehow this new skill would help me fit in with my community-college peers, I turned on my iPod and stood in front of the mirror. And twerked. Or tried to twerk.
My first attempt at twerking kinda looked like a drunk person hoola-hooping. It was neither hot nor cool. I watched another video. My second attempt at twerking was only slightly better - until I fell and scared the dog. My third attempt at twerking was not much better than my second except I farted. It was loud and my cue to stop.
I blame Mumford and Sons for my 3 failed attempts at twerking. Mumford and Sons is not good twerking music. I tried. I did. But I was not feeling it. I was feeling tired and like I needed more coffee and probably another trip to the bathroom.
I took a nap instead.
The sound of my kids coming home from school woke me up. I was still dressed in my yoga/pajama pants, coffee-stained t-shirt and no bra. Their excited chatter reminded me why I'm going back to school in 2 hours. The sight of their beloved, pimply faces focused me.
This going back to school thing is already exhausting, but it's also exciting. I've wasted too many years waiting to be ready. I've heard too many times from others and myself the many reasons why I should wait, why I shouldn't go back to school.
I've heard so much negative for so long that I started to believe it and stopped believing in myself, my dreams, my future. It all ends tonight.
Tonight, the only thing that matters is that I'm showing up, walking into that classroom and starting my life, on my terms, for me. In 2 hours, my adventure begins, homies! ;) :)
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