"I will embrace every moment knowing this is my last pregnancy. I will be as peaceful as a pregnant goddess sitting on a lily pad."
In January, I sat with my blogging ladies discussing a new approach to my final pregnancy. I scoffed at the old pregnant me and was confident I had mastered being with child.
How could I be so cocky? Five weeks in and riddled with morning sickness, I was going to bed at 7:30 several times a week. Dizziness and nausea have taunted me daily as I stagger around desperate for a cure.
I cannot nurse my symptoms properly with mint tea and Preggie pops while watching bad television with this pregnancy because I have 2 small children who still depend on me to function.
As the clouds sadly fizzle from my lily pad perched pre-pregnancy daydream, I realize I forgot about the first few months. Some fortunate ladies feel great and look great, but I plow into pregnancy without mercy, wreaking havoc on my " goddess-like pregnant look".
Let's start with the pregnant glow.
Oh, I've got a glow alright, but it's not reminiscent of the models in Fit Pregnancy magazine. My illumination is that of greasy hair and pimples the size of Mount Fuji.
And morning sickness.
Six years ago I was pregnant with my first child and when the tingling and vomitous sensation of morning sickness plagued me, I sat at my desk munching on a crudités spread.
Upon my return home, I would lay on the couch and watch my favorite shows sipping Gatorade in a home that was quieter than a tomb.
Fast forward to present day. Through bouts of nausea and dizziness, I munch on handfuls of Honey Chex and take my turn at Jenga with one hand while sipping mint tea with the other. The Tangled soundtrack is on repeat in the background.
I am not complaining at my current state, rather observing that I am able to do so much more than what I thought I could manage 6 years ago.
I do anticipate the second and third trimesters, though because that is when the fun really starts. The unsolicited comments by strangers are my favorite and I wonder what will be different this time...
I'll tell you what will be different: my response!
I've heard it all...
"Oh my goodness! You are huge! That has got to be twins." (The stranger says pointing then rubbing my belly without asking.)
Even the innocent 18-year-old, size zero sales associate at Victoria's Secret once said,
"You are going to need to apply for our Angel's card because you will be needing new underwear after you have that baby. My sister never returned to her pre-pregnancy size, so I should know."
The thought of strangling her with the measuring tape around her neck did cross my mind, but at the time, I was still decent to rude strangers.
Now, I am a seasoned pro.
Phrases like, "Touch my belly and I will bite you", and "Yes, I've gained 60 pounds, how many have you gained?" may not be stopped so easily with this pregnancy.
I vow to do it up right and embrace the metamorphasis of my 125 pound starting weight to a whopping, WHO KNOWS this time?! The 60 and 65 pound weight gains from the last two pregnancies surprised me as much as it did my husband who watched me put down whole watermelons in one sitting. (PS-I made it a goal to lose all of my baby weight and I did!)
Another glorious part of the third pregnancy is that the body remembers and wants to expose your belly to the world faster than your first pregnancy.
For example, someone has already observed that I am 4 months pregnant.
"No, just 2 months," I said, laughing.
I am finally realizing that pregnancy can be fun! That my uptight and offended attitude of past pregnancies was such a waste of time! I should have been thinking up great one liners and adding them to my pregnant stand up repertoire!
To hell with my stretch marks and my dimpled thighs! When a car stops me in the middle of downtown Geneva and a man leans out and shouts, "TWINS?", I might just pull up my shirt and press my belly against his car window.
I was inspired watching Tina Fey on 30 Rock faking a pregnancy for her boss, Jack. Faced with a pregnant photo shoot, she lunged her body this way and that, proudly thrusting her belly out for the world to see.
This is the confidence I would like to see in my final performance of "Elizabeth: Destination-Third Child".
And as I take my final bow during the agony and horror that is labor, I will cheer myself on through each push knowing I did it up right and had fun with baby-making thing.