Apocalypse not quite right now

The End of Days is upon us! Lock up your wife and sell your children! Drink whiskey until your liver liberates itself from the body politic and calls you an asshole! Buy guns, guns, guns! Build a bunker, crawl underground; don’t pay your bills! It’s all fucked! Your credit card debt and student loans are forgiven! But you’re dead, so who cares! We’re all dead! Time for the rush that the cockroaches get during the human extinction!


I see all these ridiculous television shows capitalizing on the hoi-polloi’s fear of impending apocalypse and I laugh. Not so much because they are wrong, but because they’ve got it wrong. The end of the human race will come at our own hands due to a disgusting group of religious nutjobs who follow books that are either supposed to have been written by God or Allah, or have fallen from the sky like Krishna’s Bhagavad Gita.

Sometimes I feel like Darwin and the Age of Reason tried to save us. Somewhere, God came back into the equation to re-establish the system of human judgmental self-righteousness and a good place to hide when a person needs a shield from the fallout of conflicting opinion. If I’m not mistaken, it came with Lincoln, who was very religious. What a shame. Free the slaves but kill the Natives. Just like a Christian to hide their sight from genocide. One could compare God’s acolytes to Pontius Pilate, and that is, to me, an irony as gorgeous as the visage of Lucifer. It continues to this day as humans pine for an end to their suffering while at the same time cowering in fear of same. The prophecies are self-fulfilling and why the masses cannot grasp this truism is enigma, to me.

It just seems so simple. Religion tends to beget senseless war. Apocalypse hype, is first church-spawned and next promoted by mass media. I think it is driving people insane, especially bored suburban white kids who don’t have any good music to fall back on. Instead what they have are rhetoric, petrifyingly repugnant and off-mark cable programs, and their parents’ guns. They have a drive to kill and I wonder if they do not think, especially after this ineffable Sandy Hook tragedy, that they are doing people a favor by releasing them from the mortal coil before a possible tribulation. I wonder if they do not feel they are agents of the rapture.

The media advertises the Fiscal Cliff as though it is not the simple thing it really is; instead they opt to inflate this probable economic fall which in turn leads to paranoia of civilization's end and higher ratings for laughable shows like Doomsday Preppers, shows full of people that are (with southern accent) “enemies of the FED and NAFTer and that got-dabb Obamer.” These shows are watched by mainly the white (redneck) demographic, and some – like my mother – are borderline obsessed with the shows. I cannot blame the show itself, for it can be entertaining and disgusting at the same time, like the horror movies with which I am obsessed, but the media aggrandizes the entertainment value into prophecy by presenting it as fact. Every fucking show on the educational channels seems to be about Apocalypse This Very Minute..

The biggest religion in the world is Christianity. And according to their Bible, the apocalypse will happen…just not right now. A few things have to come to pass first. For one, there is the signing of a treaty between Israel and Pakistan, which is going to have to be drawn up in order to avoid a large-scale war between Israel and Hamas. And I am sure the United States will be instrumental in pushing this treaty. The Bible has the signing of the treaty as being forced upon Israel, but unless Israel loses this war (which it won’t – we will begin World War Three before that happens) or another world war which seems to have no end comes to pass, nothing is going to “force” Israel’s hand. Guide, perhaps. But not force.

Next, another Biblical thing must come to pass before the “Anti-Christ forces” Israel’s hand in a peace treaty three-and-a-half years after the coming of the New Fuhrer. And this is where things get ugly, and a little disparaging given the fact that we are aiding this faceless bastard only due to the fact that there must not be dictatorship in Syria. Once again, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Though not a Christian, I will say this; the mythical mongrel is a genius and very well could have written THE PRINCE for Machiavelli. The next thing which must happen is the rejoining of Assyria and the rebuilding of Babylon.

The Untied States aids a Syrian rebellion against an extremist Muslim dictator (Assad) who has brought Syria as low as the communists brought Germany after the world battle with the Kaiser. In Germany, people carted wheelbarrows of money simply to buy basic groceries, bread and the like, and we now have the same state of affairs in Syria, where it costs two-hundred-and-fifty (250) Syrian pounds for a loaf of bread. (New York Times/Sacramento Bee)

Could you, as a cushy American, imagine paying fucking two and a half bills for a loaf of Health Nut? Ye gods! How could there not be a rebellion in Syria?

And this is not unprecedented. The same sort of rebellion gripping Syria raged in Germany when Hitler and the Workers’ Party performed the Beer Hall Putsch which led to Hitler’s imprisonment and eventual penning of Mein Kampf which was in turn read by a sympathetic judge who not only released Hitler but accelerated the sociopath’s push for power. A very similar thing happens in Syria today, where the rebels are the idealist party and we are the friendly judge. We judge them righteous and therefore rush to aid them. It also bears saying that we pulled the same act in defense of England against that Nazi bastard (though we did, at first, support Nazi Eugenics), and as we do it now we help to provide much of the glue to bring back the nation of Assyria whose center of commerce will be New Babylon. So much charity, and so much confusion. America just wants to be the Good Guys. We do. Right?

Thirdly, all current events overseas are easily considered a part of the Biblical tribulation. Christian or not, there are some things I cannot deny. With Syrian citizens being taken under the altruistic wing of Turkey, and our move to arm Turkey with two batteries of Patriot missiles and the promise of four more to come, this shows that we, the United States, have an interest in joining with Turkey and Syria in a more subtle and politically genius way than we employed to stitch ourselves to Iraq during the overthrow of Saddam Hussein and the subsequent occupation. The only country standing in the way of rebuilding the new Assyria is Iran. Considering their nuclear arms program (which is intended to make weapons – we can’t be that stupid. Remember, their president thinks he’s the 12th Imam) absolutely cannot become reality, war with Iran will be, for the sake of peace, inevitable. When you think about it, it’s almost like the Three Stooges.

Finally: If the Peace Treaty between Israel and Pakistan is signed this month, there may be something to the notion that the Anti-Christ’s signature will be on the treaty. Who he will be, I don’t even want to presume. Maybe Assad. Or Ahmedinejad (who seems to want it very badly). In any case, after this peace treaty there will still be the WMD threat from Iran, which, peace treaty or not, is not going to stop Iran’s proceedings with its nuke program, hence making the treaty a farce. If the Anti-Christ comes out of new Assyria’s most likely capitol, not Damascus but Babylon, as an ally we may allow that regime to go on with an ‘energy only’ nuclear program within which they will, under our now lax attention, make weapons.

And there’s Korea to consider. And China. And Russia. Where do they come in? Some Bible scholars say Russia will be destroyed by China. No one seems to be saying jack shit about Korea, who also has the Chinese pissed off at the moment for firing that goddamn rocket. So then what? Russia joins forces with Korea and we join forces with China because we owe them so much money and then prevail over the Great Bear of the North? Ye gods, how much fucking war do you need, Jesus? Are you that eager to come back and fight the battle of Armageddon and achieve status as creation’s greatest Warrior Pope?

Jokes aside, I see this mess coming to pass. I do. Now, I will never say peace is a bad thing or a road to perdition. Though I could be considered a violent man – I will attack ruthlessly if provoked – I honestly love peace and it would be my great pleasure to see all bloodshed end. Perhaps instituting birth control is a better form of population control than killing each other over imaginary friends and idealisms that amount to nothing more than opinions that can get you in trouble. Live and let live, for fuck’s sake. Either that or live and let die, keep onward with the self-fulfilling prophecies of the Bible and the Qu’ran and other religious books written by men who claim Divine Influence in order to obtain power and money. Perhaps my wife will get pregnant just fast enough for these fucking religulous cocksuckers to bring about their daft and avoidable apocalypse and will be alive to watch the world burn as she hides in my arms while I futilely try to protect my budding family the self-righteous fire bombs of DUMB BATTLE: Allah vs. Christ.

Those bastards. There is much fury here. I hate religion. I absolutely despise any system that demands the innocent to die for the sins and the greed of stuffed fatbacks who just can’t wait to be right.

And yet, one of my greatest friends is a pastor. He works not only with the people of his community but also with prisoners because he believes that everyone can be saved. The man is a Real Christian, not the kind that the Bohemian Politicians pretend to be when they’re in front of the cameras. World Leaders are not Christian, not in any sense of the word. Every last one of them is just as guilty of the seven deadly sins as the rest of us piles of warm clay. They don’t care about peace. They don’t care about Good Will Toward Men. When I look at Carl Towns I always weigh the suits up against him due to the fact that the suits always claim Christianity, but next to Pastor Towns, they sprout horns. They are evil. They will kill you just to be justified.

When I talked to my mother about all of these things, she agreed with the logic but then asked; “What could we all do about it?” Boy is that a damn good question.

“I suppose if I’m any kind of a writer it will come to me,” I said.

I’m still waiting. I don’t have enough faith in humanity to believe that the Will to Survive can overcome the Will to Be RIGHT. Correct. The main man. The Big Cheese. The Chip on the Shoulder. The high-school Napoleon who grows into the kind of adult that bullies and uses those weaker than him for his own personal gain without giving anything in return, not love, support, gifts, nothing. Complete Golgotha demons spewing locusts from their mouths, locusts that somehow shit salve over the bodies of the Hanged Men (and Women) and give them toys in return for their ignorance.

I said that if I was any kind of a writer the answer would come to me. And when it does I will let you all know post-haste. On that you have my word. And if nothing so much as plausible comes to me I will hang up my hat, because writing like I do carries a bit of pretention, a sort of I-Know-More-Than-You connotation that is the hallmark of the Politician and leaves a sort of residue on my letters. Fact is I DON’T know more than you. You all know these things. The difference between us is that you beautiful people whom I envy are able to put it out of your heads whereas it fucks with my sleep.

I am fortunate in many ways. I am doing what I love through CN, money or not. I have a book soon to be finished – I expect to publish in the summer, and thanks to John Bruni (six-foot-three of Pure Novelist) I have an in. I have a wonderful wife. I would like for these things to continue so I can live the way the lustrous upper-crusters on Sleepy Hollow Road live, a playground in my yard and many rooms for children to enjoy, family Christmases, all that stuff everyone takes for granted while I fucking pine for it underneath the weight of being cursed to see too much too clearly.

Do yourselves a favor – hug your children tightly this week and let them know you love them. We’re not going to lose gravity or any such donkey dung on the 21st. We’re going to wake up on the 22nd and laugh our asses off. I think much of the madness – shootings in malls and churches and schools – will subside. For awhile. Then, the Evangelists and the either Famous or Wannabe-Famous Christians are going to come out and start talking about all of the abovementioned crazy shit of mine that you, my lovely reader whom I do cherish with utmost pandering honesty, have just waded through on the road to entertainment.

I’ll see you all on Friday after I’m done watching the sky. Let me leave you with Pastor Carl Towns’ take on the End of Days and how it will happen:

“So Palestine becomes a state and moves us closer to the full on global world war. It enforces the fact that Israel will have to acknowledge them, or else, and that is just what will happen. After this, the seven year period begins when the global government gets in full swing. One currency on every continent, one ruling authority, one religion.

“The UN is very close to that now.

“The Bible speaks about the Assyrians rising up like a flood…it is a spiritual thing and once that system is in place, what is next? As revelation 13 says, "Who can make war with the Beast?" But this is a rhetorical question. No one can make war because the global army will stop it cold before it happens. And that brings me to this point:

“Jesus said that when see Israel surrounded by armies then we should know the desolation thereof is near, and Israel will confirm the covenant for 3 1/2 years. Then the wound of treachery happens, and Israel decides to no longer agree with the global system and then the army surrounds them and that abomination of desolation spoken of by Daniel the Prophet comes to pass. (Passages: Daniel 9:27, 11:31, and 12:11)

“Satan in person sits in the temple deceiving people into thinking he is the messiah come to rescue them, and he is the Assyrian that the old testament talks about; the flood comes out of his mouth (Revelation 12:12) and overflows the earth. The flood is a flood of lies meant to deceive the world. The Arabs (mainly Muslim extremists) will rise up more as they become a global player after the chaos of the Arab Spring, pretending to be all glitter and rainbows. They have to do that to get the support of the world.

“As it says in the Bible, they will cry peace after which sudden destruction comes upon them like a woman in the pangs of childbirth, and this pain has to be rectified which argues for them to become an even more major world player.”

Did I say I would leave you with that? Sorry. I’m not through. Not quite. I want to make one thing very clear; I don’t know if I believe in any of this madness but also I'm not ready to call it out for hogwash. I can’t call it at all. It’s a good thing I’m not a Cormac McCarthy character. I have some facts and I have reported them with a seasoning of conjecture as is my charge. So many people over thousands of years have been terrified of the world ending and tossing around myriad conclusions more often than not entirely erroneous. There is some argument for Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce being credible. And also for a complete dope fiend reprobate named Edgar Wells who wrote the inspiring, though convoluted and difficult to decipher Apocalypse Right Here and Now (Tabard Inn Magazine). Right or wrong, it is obvious that these people were completely mad.

So, I wonder if this equation works: Mad=Wrong/Normal=Popular Opinion.

I sure hope you popular people are more on point with the diffident attitude you present in these odd, bloody, portentous times. I do. Because that means I get to go on growing. I get to stop thinking about this shit. I can report on flowers, or something. Bunnies, maybe (though I’d find a way to make them bloody).

The Mayan Calendar hype is horse-puckey. Absolute faeces. You WILL wake up fine and dandy on the 22nd.

Unfortunately I think…I would wager my every penny that Horrors are close on the horizon, Horrors brought about by those seeking to justify themselves even if it means skinning you alive or worse, robbing you of every dignity and enslaving you…rememeber…they can always make robots who think at the speed of light. Don't you wish that wasn't true? isn't it just knee-weakening to know that it is?

Well, that’s enough. I have an appointment with Dr. Whiskey. I suggest you all visit him sometime in the next few days. And if it's all good...well Hell, make a few more appointments. About seven years' worth. And get your lovemaking on. Buddy, if you ever wanted to do...something...now is the time. Bust out the Bucket List. Hopefully it'll only amount to fun rather than a desperate push to eke out just a little more life in a world that seems to be withering like life in the winter. If hope springs eternal as I think it will, there will be time for more lists, and more, and more, and loving and fighting and everything that begets life and love of life.

Finally, World Leaders...do us a favor and start working for us instead of for your stupid deities. We have lives to live. Those lives are more important than your egos, you overly-safe-fortune-hoarding-fucking-far-removed-jackasses. Try giving a shit about something other than yourselves. It's CHRIST-mass, for Baal's sake!


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