ANNOUNCER: “Thank you for joining us here in Chicago for the DC Derby. It’s a drippy day and the wet atmosphere sets the mood for the race mere moments away from happening. Any second now we’ll hear the pop of the starting gun and our horses will fire down the track like rippling bolts of greased lightning. I’ll take this time now to introduce the horses.
“Behind the first gate, we have Jackass Hates Business. He’s a lean machine of positivity with the handicap of getting confused as to where the finish line is. As long as he doesn’t stop racing to graze he’s got a good chance of taking it at the tape.
“Behind the second gate, we’ve got One Percenter Pachyderm whose name is a little confusing because he’s a horse, heh heh. But his trainer has assured everyone not to worry. Even though we’ve never seen him race and we have no idea how he’ll perform he’s got GOD on his side. That’s a wonderful thing, folks. Have a little faith and place your bets.
“Behind the third gate, we’ve got Clean And Sober Stoner. The odds are long on this one but he appeals to the younger audience with his uncanny ability to run along the top bar of the fence. He’s a limber contender, folks, and able to show some promise, for sure. Let’s see how he does.
“Behind the fourth gate, we’ve got Old Man Nobody Wants. Unbelievable how this horse even made it the track. He’s old and ragged but his mind and will are strong and his trainer says he can take the younger competition. He’s got some rabid fans betting on him. I’ve heard it said in the stands that anyone who doesn’t bet on him is an idiot. What a great contender!
“Behind the fifth gate stands a real spoke in the wheel with the steely name of Electoral College. He’s a tall, sturdy horse and he intends to take the win. Easy odds on this one. I expect he’ll be the real winner tonight but one can never tell. One can never tell, friends!
“At the sixth gate waits a horse so clumsy and entertaining that there’s been much debate as to the acumen of entering him in this competition. Hanging Chad, folks, Hanging Chad. Place your bets, there’s still a little time.
“And finally a horse so strung out I don’t even know how he stands up. It’ll be a wonder if he doesn’t go into seizures after the bang of the starting gun. Only the half-lunatic and the crazy-brave would bother to place their bets on this 99/1 long shot. Write-In Vote, ladies and gentlemen. Where the hell did he come from?
“OK friends, place your last minute bets at the windows in the hall with the strapping men and the pretty ladies. Get your tickets and get your drinks, mint juleps and whiskey sours, your Jagerbombs and PGA. If you can stand up after the beauties break the tape I feel sorry for ya! Out with the umbrellas and the monocles, it’s a slimy rainy day here at the track.
(The clamor and din of the crowd as people finish placing their bets and head to the stands. For some, making their way through the crowd is like pulling teeth as they rub elbows with drunks so wasted the slightest pressure at any point on their body will send the lush into gut-quakes. The smell of the horses travels on the moist air, a pungent stink of something very close to wet dog; faint hint of farms and fertilizer. A sniffling stable worker is spotted running full-tilt-boogie from the bathroom to the stables – no one notices. It is almost time to begin.
People line the rows. Smell of sweat and alcohol. The starting gun stings the air with an abrupt pop.)
ANNOUNCER: “And they’re off! One Percenter Pachyderm gets a strong jump straight out of the gate leaving Jackass Hates Business behind. Clean And Sober Stoner kicks against the ground and loses momentum faster than he can pick it up and we feel for him, we do. Write-In Vote hasn’t even moved; his jockey seems to be asleep on the horse so we’ll just count them out.
“Electoral College takes a strong lead, blowing away both One Percenter Pachyderm and Jackass Hates Business, but those two horses are having their own personal battle. They’re nose and nose and you can almost feel the burning air pumping out of those dark, flaring nostrils. Electoral College is slowing down, slowing down to let the two battling horses catch up, folks, and I can’t say I didn’t expect this.
“What’s this? Hanging Chads is biting at Old Man Nobody Wants’ hind-quarters! And he’s snapping past Old Man Nobody Wants to catch up to the three front runners! He doesn’t seem to be racing! His Jockey is snapping the reigns trying to get his horse under control. It doesn’t seem to be working. Hanging Chads has drawn blood from the backside of Electoral College.
“Electoral College is turning around and whoa! He snaps back at Hanging Chads! The Jockeys are doing everything they can to calm their horses down. It is not working and the race is taking one hell of an interesting turn. Blood has been drawn from the neck of Hanging Chads. Electoral College is taking large bites from the other horse.
“Here comes Old Man Nobody Wants and Clean And Sober Stoner! They have crashed into Electoral College, folks, and driven him to the ground. Hanging Chads has gone completely insane, spitting and neighing and foaming at the mouth, entirely disrespecting the flow of the race. Oh, we should have known.
This has happened once before. Hanging Chads is a notoriously psychotic and stultifying horse ladies and gentlemen. Let’s hope that he never enters another race. His Jockey is ashamed, and we can see him running away, leaving his horse to fate.”
“The only two horses worth watching now are One Percenter Pachyderm and Jackass Hates Business. They’re still neck and neck although One Percenter Pachyderm is looking just a little stronger than Jackass Hates Business. But the determination of the other horse is admirable and unshakeable. You can see fear in the eyes of One Percenter Pachyderm.”
(In the stands, people are beginning to brawl. A man is picked up on the shoulders of three other men and thrown forward, falling over heads and clattering to the lower rows like a tower of plates. People bowl over, falling like dominoes; those who have not fallen begin stepping on their heads. Melon-pop sounds of cracking craniums fill the air and a woman, cowering smartly away from the fray, vomits up vodka and Red Bull.
Men weave back and forth, boxing one another. One-Hundred Proof blood flies, spattering droplets of biohazard to and fro. Police run in and do nothing. They are overwhelmed and will have to wait for the National Guard.)
ANNOUNCER: “One Percenter Pachyderm is falling behind! Once again the two horses are neck and neck! We may have to go to photo finish on this one, isn’t that exciting! The tumult in the stands only adds to the excitement but we all expected emotions to run high during this, the most important race of the century…at least until the next race!
“And the horses are rounding the corner to begin the last lap. Jackass Hates Business has slipped a little in the blood left behind from the carnage created by Hanging Chads. One Percenter Pachyderm jumps deftly over the dying, screaming horses and pulls away from Jackass Hates Business.
“But what is this? Jackass Hates Business has regained his footing! He’s catching up to One Percenter Pachyderm as though his life depends on it and it surely does. And they’re rounding the final corner! Heading for the finish…AND THE WINNER IS—“
COMMERCIAL BREAK: “Finding wildlife dead in the backyard? Pets being slowly drained of blood? Tired of being perplexed when you hear (cut to crying girl holding incredibly dry, dead cat: “Mommy!”)
(Mother with angry, determined look on her face: “Dirty Chupa Cabras!”)
“The Chupa Cabra, or ‘Goat-Sucker’ has plagued parents all over the nation ever since being discovered by Elijah B. Addlecot in Texas in the summer of 2010. For two whole years we have dealt with these hyena-like vampires, real life horrors that upset our values of life, love, and family with their sanguine addiction. Now, you don’t have to be worried about your pets anymore!”
(Mother and Daughter, Daughter still holding the dead cat, which now dangles by its tail, turn to the camera. “Really?” they say simultaneously)
(Screen cuts to an aerosol can of what looks to be bug poison, but having the picture of a scrawny, wrinkly brown hyena-like canine on its front)
(Mother spraying CabrAway on the bushes and along the fenceline of her pristine suburban backyard with a smile on her face)
“ Spray CabrAway along the perimeter and along the bushes in your back yard. Our special blend of biotoxic chemicals is sure to deter even the most ravenous Chupa Cabra!”
(Chupa Cabra sniffs area treated with CabrAway: it screams and trots off. Cut to a smiling mother; she taps the bottle of CabrAway against her open palm and looks at it lovingly. Cut to daughter petting her new cat. She looks up from the cat to the camera. “Thanks CabrAway!” The cat meows.
Cut to the mother again, still in the back yard. “CabrAway!” Before the camera cuts away, a Chupa Cabra can be seen sneaking up on the mother, a toothy grin shining on its devilish face)
“CabrAway! Run out and get some NOW!”
THE NETWORK: Coverage of the DC Derby will continue later, after the stands have been cleared of body parts, blood, intestines, and other visceral bits of gore. The Winner will be announced at that time. Sorry for the inconvenience. Join us again at midnight for THE DC DERBY: WINNER!
Film at One a.m. CHOPPER CHICKS IN ZOMBIETOWN