There are things that suck in life. Little things. Big things. Annoying things. (First world things, certainly, but still.) And now, from a cranky old guy’s very, very long list of things that suck: the next 10 things that suck:
31. Open-mouthed yawners
You know we can see you, right? When you ratchet open your jaw like a hippo on Animal Planet and let loose with a wide-open yawn on a street corner or the train, you’re aware that you’re in plain view of the world at large, right? You’re not at home on the couch on your underwear anymore, right?
32. Re-sealable bags
Product managers at Mega-Food Conglomerates spent hundreds of hours in meetings, heading up discussions, ideation sessions, consumer focus groups, wasting millions of dollars to figure out a way to “plus-up” their five-pound bags of processed food-like products and this is the best they could come up with.
Re-sealable bags are the new must-have, useless “feature” on packaged goods. Shredded cheese, sugar, a bag of almonds, sure okay… I get it, ziplock-type bags kind of make sense. But laundry detergent pods? Workout shorts? Does Nike really think I need to reseal my two-pack of compression shorts after I take out the first pair so the second pair won’t go stale?
33. Checking the time two seconds after you just checked the time.
Hm, feels like it’s getting late… Better check the time. You look down at your watch or your cell. All right, there’s the time. Got it. Right. But you didn’t get it. It didn’t sink in somehow. You saw it, great. You looked at the numbers. But your brain forgot what they meant. So you have to look again and but this time, dammit, you really MEAN it.
Not the baseball kind. The colorful cloth hanging off your front porch kind. It might’ve been the bee’s knees back in aught-five but how’s about something 21st century, like, say, something with LEDs, now that’d be the cat’s meow!
35. “It’s all good.”
Really? Have you seen it all lately?
36. “Listen carefully because our menu has recently changed”
Really, how exactly? Your menu doesn’t seem any different to me. Granted, I don’t call you every day but it’s not like you’re one of those pretentious culinary hotspots, continuously adding new things to its list of choices to keep its foody clientele coming back. You’re Blue Cross or Xfinity or Go Daddy. Your menu has four things on it, max. Maybe the thing you need to change is your out-going message…
37. Cabbies who never stop talking on their cell phone
Whether it’s Polish or Farsi or Pig Latin the guy or gal driving your cab is yakking into that permanent cellphone earbud with someone your whole ride. What could they possibly be talking about? You? Total world domination? The weather? Are they like teenagers: “S’up. What’re you doin’?” “Nothin’, drivin’ this lazy American who could just as easily walk…” “Cool.”
38. That Paris Hilton is famous
We only have ourselves to blame, you know, for elevating someone who’s clearly no better than any one of us to a position of reverence and admiration. She has no discernible talent: she can’t act or write or sing. She’s about as attractive as those creepy $7000 dolls men buy. And twice a day at 11 minutes after 11 o’clock, Paris tweets: “make a wish!” Maybe if we all ignore her, she'll go away…
I’m okay with pop music. Country. Classical. I can even tolerate some Rap. But opera? Call me unsophisticated, boorish, and ignorant… but opera is a lot like singers standing in one place and warming up in a foreign language. “Dooooooe raaaaaaaay meeeeeee faaaaaaa soooooooo…”
40. Carry-on luggage cheaters
You know. And we know. It’s pretty obvious that steamer trunk of a suitcase you call a “carry-on” is big enough to hold a mid-sized dog or a jockey and it’s never, ever going to fit in the overhead bin no matter how many times you slam the bulkhead door on it. Just pay the baggage fee or, I don’t know--- pack less crap!
Find the first 10 things that suck here…
Find #11-20 things that suck here…
Find #21-30 things that suck here...
This has been “Something Else Entirely:” Off-topic observations posted on an irregular basis by a cranky old guy on his porch, waving his fist at the neighborhood kids...
“Your Uncle Walter's going on and on
‘bout everything he's seen and done.
The voice of 50 years experience,
he’s drunk, watching the television.”
— Ben Folds
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