There are things that suck in life. Little things. Big things. Annoying things. (First world things, certainly, but still.) And now, from a cranky old guy’s very, very long list of things that suck: the next 10 things that suck:
21. Old Drivers
(I get it--- their reflexes are slower and their eyesight’s not what it used to be and maybe they’ve shrunk so much they can barely see over the dashboard, but wouldn’t you think old people would drive FASTER? I mean, sadly, they don’t that much time!)
22. Stubbing your toe
(You knew the chair was there. You know you have feet at the ends of your legs; those feet have toes. So why is it you couldn’t seem to walk past that chair without whacking one of those toes on it? Did you suddenly forget your feet? Did you think you finally transcended some physical plane of existence? Just claim temporary stupidity…)
23. Oral surgery
(Two great things that go great together!)
24A. Food-wasting events: Food-gorging contests
(Talk about the first world sticking it to the rest of the planet. Two, three guys stand up on a stage and shove enough food in their faces to feed a third world family for a month except they do it in a minute and half. Pie. Pizza. Hot dogs. Sometimes these guys swallow it whole. Sometimes they cover it on ESPN like it’s a sport. Take that Somalia!)
B. Organized food fights
(Same goes for that tomato-throwing “festival” they have in Spain and show on the news once a year. Their website doesn’t really explain why they waste over one hundred metric TONS of tomatoes every year. Maybe I’m just being a touchy-feely, tree-hugging, party pooper here but--- shouldn’t we, I don’t know: FEED PEOPLE WITH THAT FOOD!!)
C. World’s largest (fill in the food)
(Pizza. A Twinkie. Sub sandwiches. We get it… You make a certain food item for a living and now you’re creating a really big version of it! Good for you. Bring out the camera crew, this is gonna make for some great B-roll! Do you actually feed anybody that 40-foot, barely-cooked calzone you had outside in the parking lot all afternoon? Or does it just go in the dumpster when you’re done?)
27. Predicable movie endings
(The boy gets the girl. Nicholas Cage finds the treasure. If it’s an action movie, no matter what year it’s set in: 10,000 years in the past or 5,000 in the future… it always ends with the good guy and the bad guy having a fist fight. They both have guns or swords or glowing death orbs but they choose to settle it once and for all by punching each other in the face.)
28. This damn weather
(Blizzards, Polar Vortexes, sweltering heat, torrential downpours, summer, springtime, it doesn’t matter--- it’s this damn weather!)
29. Hotel cable
(Between Bloomberg, Nick Jr, and over-priced porn--- it’s slim pickin’s at the ol’ Hyatt or Hilton, it doesn’t matter. Somebody, somewhere took a lot of meetings to come up with this unwatchable menu of so-called in-room entertainment. It’s enough to make me leave the hotel and experience whatever city I’m in.)
Find the first 10 things that suck here…
Find #11-20 things that suck here…
This has been “Something Else Entirely:” Off-topic observations posted on an irregular basis by a cranky old guy on his porch, waving his fist at the neighborhood kids...
“Your Uncle Walter's going on and on
‘bout everything he's seen and done.
The voice of 50 years experience,
he’s drunk, watching the television.”
— Ben Folds
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